flowers & rainbows
by tatty ted
Summary: Lauren Fairhead's first year at Holby isn't one she's going to forget in a while. From complicated medical procedures, family drama involving her younger brother and secrets about her long-lost daughter, Lauren's going to wish she'd brought a hard hat with her when she stepped into the hospital for the beginning of her adventure. - —Toby/OC.
1. CHAPTER I

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flowers & rainbows  
_a casualty fanfiction_

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**FULL SUMMARY** — Meet Lauren Fairhead, Holby's newest F2 as she tries to prove to those around her she can be a good Doctor like her mother. Friendships, relationships, drama and cat fights are just the beginning of Lauren's first year at Holby General Hospital.

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In Medical School, they always give you the worst case scenarios for everything. Situations you might find yourself coming across, situations that may only have a zero point one percent chance of actually happening.

Dust, I'm surrounded by dust and bricks and screaming people. There's blood, too much blood and it's making me queezy. I feel sleepy but I know I can't sleep, I shouldn't sleep.

Death. Death is surrounding me and there's nothing I can do. I'm meant to be a Doctor. A Doctor is someone who saves lives and here I am, trapped, just like them.

It hurts. My stomach, my chest, my arms. Everywhere hurts and aches. I want to go home, I want my father. I want my mother but I won't see her, she's dead. Unless, I die from this.

I hear a scream. That kind of scream that sends a shiver down your spine. I want to help them, I want to give them something for the pain of course I do but there's not a lot I can do when I'm in the same situation as them.

I keep repeating useless facts in my mind, trying to keep myself distracted from that sharp pain that shooting across my stomach. It works. Slightly. I forget the pain for a minute or two.

I have no idea why I'm here. I'm guessing I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I shouldn't have being caught up in this, in fact I should've been at the hospital. I was late. The car broke down.

Dad's car, dad's shitty little thing that he insists on keeping. For what reason, I'll never figure out. That car is more trouble than it's worth in my opinion.

"Lauren?" It's almost a relief to hear a familiar voice, "Maggie?"

Least she knows what she's doing not like, what's his name, Toby. Toby is a bit — lets put it this way, I would never have seen him as a Doctor. That other F2, Ruth. I don't like her much, she's stuck up her own arse.

"Maggie it hurts."

"Where does it hurt sweetheart?"

"Everywhere." I whisper. She tells me she's going to give me some pain relief and gives me Morphine. That's my best friend, I tell you! It makes the pain fade away until I can't feel it anymore.

"Lauren, we're going to get you out very soon, okay?"

"Okay." I answer back. At that very minute, some more stuff falls from the roof and covers everything in more dust and rubble. l don't know why but I suddenly blurt out, "Am I going to die?"

"Don't be silly."

"Listen, if I have internal bleeding, this piece of rubble is keeping me stable right? If you remove it, there's everything chance I'm going to bleed to death isn't there?"

I'm a Doctor, I know these things. I didn't study Medicine for six years for nothing, "Maggie, if I die, promise me you'll look after Dad and Louis for me?"

"You're not going to die."

"Just promise me." I told her and she nodded, "I promise." She answered and I smile a little, I hope I'm okay but if I'm not, I know Dad and Louis will be okay. I mean, dad loves her, he's just afraid of taking that chance.

"I'll be back in a minute, I'm going to leave you in Toby's capable hands, okay?" I nodded, trying to hide my horror about being left with an invalid. Toby knelt beside me and smiled a little. Bless him, he looked a bit scared.

I'd be scared if I had to witness this destruction though, "Hi, I'm Toby."

"I'm Lauren." I answered to him. Although there was silence between us, the area surrounding us was anything but quiet. There were stil people screaming out in pain, Medics whispering about various patients.

"They always say things like this at Medical School, don't they? They try and prepare you for the worst but it's completely different being spoken to about it, then it is to actually witness it, isn't it?"

"Do you got to Medical School?"

"Used too." I smiled, "I'm a fully pledged F2." I bet he thought I was talking bollocks, either that or I'd substained a head injury which was making me delusional.

"Today's my first day, it's not going too great." He told me and I smiled politely, "Maggie doesn't think you're doing terribly. Trust me, she's not shy to voice her opinions especially if you're doing rubbish."

"You know Maggie?"

"She's a family friend." I answered. There was silence again, either of us not really knowing what to say. I just wanted to get out of here before everything fell on top of me and crushed me even more than what I already was.

"If I'd known I'd have been caught up in this today, I would've made sure I brought Monopoly, we could've finished a game by now." He smiled and I found myself smiling back. He wasn't too bad, he was just like me really.

Scared of everything around us.

"Could you get my father for me?" I asked. As I did, I suddenly became very sleepy. I found my eyes closing and I knew I shouldn't sleep but I couldn't find the energy to fight against it.

The last thing I heard was Toby repeating my name and darkness take over me.

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**jottings** — Set during Series 22. If you like it enough to favourite/alert, I hope you'll leave me a review.


	2. CHAPTER II

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**CHAPTER TWO**.

I wasn't out for long. I came around shortly after, Toby as pale as ghost staring at me. I smiled weakly, still trapped underneath the rubble and whispered; "Don't look so worried, you can't get rid of me that easily."

He smiled back a little and then there was nothing, just silence.

"So Toby, what do you do when you're not running around saving people?"

"I study and watch old comedies." He told me and I laughed. Just like me. Every free time I had, I was studying. I'd read Medical Journals over and over again until I knew the whole journal of by heart, "I study too much according to my father. So, what made you want to be a Doctor?"

"Pushy parents, you?"

"My mother influenced me. Whilst most five year olds were reading Biff and Chip, I was working my way through Medical Journals. She was a great Doctor, an even better Mother. One day, I want to be as good as her."

"Was a Doctor?" More rubble fell from the roof and I looked at Toby. I nodded my head and told him my mother had died when I was eighteen. Again like earlier, there was nothing spoken between us.

It was a couple of minutes later when Maggie came back, "Lauren, we're going to get you out now."

"About bloody time." I answered back with a smirk. Maggie smiled back and gave me more morphine to make me sleep. For the second time in less than half an hour, the noise around me grew quiet and darkness took over me.

/

I opened my eyes to be greated by brightness. I blinked several times before my eyes became used to the light. I noticed the white ceiling tiles and guessed that I was in Resus. I knew those ceiling tiles anywhere!

"Back to the living are we?" I turned my head to see my father. He held my hand and I smirked, "Unfortunately."

"What were you doing there?"

"Coming here." I answered back, "Your car. That car that I told you to get rid off because it needs a hundred things doing to it broke down on me. So, I had to get the bus. It's not your fault though, it's mine."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. It was one of those things, you know been in the wrong place at the wrong time." I smiled at him and he squeezed my hand, "Can you pass me my notes?"

He picked up my notes from the end of the bed and handed them to me. I flicked through them and read what injuries I had. I was quiet lucky really, I'd suffered blunt abdominal trauma and a slight laceration to the forehead.

All that was needed were fifteen minute obs as a CT scan had already been done. Simple really, considering the destruction that bomb created. I flicked the IV line in my arm and smirked as my father told me not to do that.

He stood up and kissed my forehead, before telling me I should be resting. I shot back that he should be working and not skiving off. I didn't want to rest, I'd done enough of that.

He left and I was alone in Resus with nothing interesting to do. I lay back down and closed my eyes before a voice interrupted me. I opened my eyes to find Toby stood there.

"Hi." I said to him before noticing that he was distracted by something, "What's wrong?"

I patted the edge of the bed next to me and I sat up. He sat down on the bed and looked at me, "This will be the last time you see me. I'm leaving. I don't have what it takes to be a good Doctor."

I placed a finger on his lips and smiled, "Toby, Toby, Toby. You _are _a good Doctor. It's been your first day and I think you've done brilliantly. You can't be expected to know everything on your first day. It takes time."

He smiled softly but I could see it in his eyes that he didn't believe what I was saying. Alright, I know I called him an invalid but that was before I knew him. He managed to keep me calm when I was trapped, that counted as something, right?

"Work on your confidence and you'll be an even better Doctor than you already are."

He still looked like he didn't believe me so I told him, "If you still don't want to be a Doctor at the end of your shift then fine, then leave. If you decided you _still_ want to be a Doctor, come and see me and I'll buy us both a drink."

He laughed and reminded me that I was in hospital. I told him that between him and me, I'd discharge myself and drag us both to the pub. He didn't try arguing with me then.

I kissed his cheek and told him not to rush into decisions. They might not be the best ones to make. He nodded his head but told me he'd made his choice and that he wasn't going to be a Doctor anymore.

"If your sure."

"I am." He stood up from the bed and hugged me, "See you."

"Bye Toby, I'll see you soon." He smiled and I smiled back. He put his bag on his shoulder, turned on his Ipod and walked out of Resus. I watched him leave and sighed. I thought he was a great Doctor, if he didn't believe in himself, how an earth would I cope?

It was only after he'd gone that I noticed something at the end of the bed. I leant over, picked it up and noticed that it was a Medical Journal. As I studied the front page, I opened it up to read the words, _To Doctor Lauren, You'll need this more than me. Toby._

I smiled softly and hoped he'd be back, I could see us being a great team together.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review. thanks. :3


	3. CHAPTER III

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**CHAPTER THREE.**

Being a patient myself, I began to understand why most patients were relunctant to be admitted to hospital. It's boring been wired up to various machines and just listening to the machines and not doing anything productive.

This wasn't the first time I'd been admitted to hospital. In fact, I was a regular to Holby City Hospital. Broken bones and operations and the usual cuts, bruises and sprains. Not to mention I was regular in the staffroom waiting for my father's shift to finish.

I took the IV line out of my arm, disconnected the others and stood up. It felt strange been on my feet after so long and I felt a little bit dizzy. Once the dizziness had passed, I grabbed the pink bag underneath that contained my clothes and walked out of Resus.

"Lauren, what are you doing?" I heard my father ask and I put the bag over my shoulder and answered;

"Discharging myself, what does it look like?" I began to walk towards the toilets before I felt his hands on my arm, "Lauren you're a patient. You're ill. You can't just discharge yourself."

"I'm also a Doctor dad and I'm not sitting in Resus for god knows how many hours, only to be checked on every fifteen minutes. I feel fine and if I don't, I'll say something. Is that okay?"

He didn't say anything and I walked into the toilets. I changed into some clothes and tied my hair into a ponytail. I was about to put on some makeup when Maggie walked into the toilets and took one look at me.

"Lauren! Aren't you supposed to be in Resus?"

"Meant to be. I'm discharging myself."

She frowned at me, "Do you think that's a good idea?"

I shrugged my shoulders and applied some more foundation, "Probably not but — well, I'm stubborn. I'm bored and in all fairness, it's my decision so I wouldn't try talking me out of it."

"What if you suddenly get worse?" She asked and I looked at her, "I'll be fine, honestly. I wish you and my father and everyone else would stop worrying about me. I mean, I'm a grown woman, I can look after myself."

"You'll always be his little girl." She answered back and I nodded. I applied some mascara and some lipgloss before shoving my makeup bag in my bag. I looked at Maggie and smiled, "Honestly, I'll be okay. If I'm not, I'll re—admit myself. Deal?"

Reluctantly, she agreed to my deal and I left the toilets. As I got to the staff room, I picked up some scrubs and put my things in the locker. I changed into the scrubs and left against the locker, taking deep breaths to steady my nerves.

I was about to get a taste of what it was like working in the Emergency Department and although I was nervous, I really couldn't wait. Taking another deep breath, I left the staffroom and walked down the corridor.

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Sister Bateman." I asked a male Nurse at the reception desk. He had a name badge on that read John and I smiled slightly as he told me she'd be in the Nurses' office.

"Thanks." I answered as I walked towards the Nurses Office. I knocked on the door and heard a faint come in from the inside and I walked in.

"Hi." I smiled to Tess and apologised for being late.

She told me not to worry and that Charlie had informed her that I had come in as a patient. She asked if I was okay and again, for the third time I told her I was fine.

"I'd suggest giving you a tour of the department but I think you know where everything is." I nodded. I knew where pretty much everything was. I said I'd better be going, I'd already wasted enough time being a patient.

I left the office and walked towards the reception desk. Grabbing the nearest patient card of the desk, I read it and walked towards cubicle three. Opening the curtain, I stepped inside with a smile;

"Hello Marie, I'm Doctor Fairhead. I hear you've got some abdominal pains?"

My first patient of my shift was Marie Cullen, a thirty year old woman who'd come in complaining of severe abdominal pains.

"Yeah, it's really bad on this side." She put her hand on her left hand side of her stomach. I picked up her notes and noticed that she had already had ten of morphine so I didn't need to give her anymore.

I put on a pair of disposable gloves and asked Marie if she could roll up her teeshirt. I pressed down on her stomach, "Do you have any pain anywhere else?"

"Not so much pain but my shoulder aches. It feels a bit like I've pulled a muscle."

I nodded my head and asked, "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?"

She laughed and shook her head, "Not a chance. My husband and I got told we couldn't have children."

I smiled sadly, "You know, what us Doctors say isn't always the truth? There's still a chance you and your husband might conceive and have a child." I smiled at the young woman before telling her that I was going to get a Nurse to do a pregnancy test just to make sure.

I had a slight suspicion that she was pregnant but having an epotic pregnancy, it caused both the pains she was describing. I told her I'd be back in a minute and walked towards John, the male nurse I had spoken to earlier.

"It's John isn't it?"

"Yeah, I prefer Abs."

"Abs, there's a patient over in cubicle three who needs a pregnancy test doing."

"And you are?" He asked, his arms crossed across his chest. I stood there,

"Doctor Fairhead, Lauren. And yes, I'm related to Charlie before the questions start. Now, can you sort of the pregnancy test for cubicle three? Sometime before Christmas would be nice."

I told Abs that once he got the results back to come and find me. As I walked off, I was almost certain I heard someone mutter about me but I could be wrong. I picked up another patient card of the reception desk and walked towards cubicle seven.

"Mrs Morris? I'm Doctor Fairhead." I pulled open the curtain and stepped inside. Mrs Morris was a fifty year old woman, quiet a large woman who was complaining of chest pains and shortness of breath.

"Mrs Morris, you've been complaining of some chest pains, yes? Are you allergic to anything?"

"No."

"And are you on any medication that may cause these types of pains?"

"No." She answered again and I asked if there was any history of heart disease in the family.

"My father suffered from heart disease for the last twenty-four years of his life. My brother died from a heart attack in his forties." I wrote all the information down before I asked if there was any history of angina in the family.

She shook her head and I explained to her that I was going to give her some oxygen and do an ECG to check her heart. I turned my back for a minute to turn on the machine and when I looked back, she was motionless.

"Mrs Morris?" I asked and I gently shook her. When I got no response, I pressed two fingers against her neck and felt no pulse. Rushing over to the curtain, I opened it and shouted; "I need some help in here, she's arrested."

I started chest compressions whilst I waited for some more people and we wheeled her into Resus. Grabbing the defibillator pads, I placed them on her chest before grabbing the defibillator and shouting stand clear.

An electric current went through her body and her heart began to beat again. I breathed a sigh of relief when she started breathing again and I put the pads down, "Can I leave her in your capable hands Doctor Sandhu?"

I didn't wait for his answer before I took off my gloves and left Resus. I walked towards the staff room, opened my locker and took out my bag. Finding some change in the side pocket, I put it in my scrub pocket before putting my bag back inside and closing my locker.

Walking towards the vending machine, I got a can of lemonade before sitting down in the staff room. I was beginning to get the worst headache ever and my stomach was feeling slightly sore too.

I opened the can and took a sip before placing down on the table. Bringing my knees to my chest, I rested my head on them and closed my eyes. I had my eyes closed for a minute if that when my father disturbed me.

"Lauren?"

I looked up and whispered; "I don't feel well."

"What's wrong?"

"I feel like I have a marching band playing inside my head, my stomach's really sore and I feel sick and dizzy." I answered and closed my eyes again before I felt a hand on my arm, "Come on Lauren, let's get you checked over."

"Dad, I'll be okay—"

"I'm not taking no for an answer." I stood up, although I was reluctant to go. I slowly walked out of the staff room, my father still holding onto my arm. As he took me to cubicle seven, he told me to sit down on the bed.

I did and I lay down and put a hand on my stomach. I made eye contact with him and I knew exactly what he was going to say.

"Don't say 'I told you so' otherwise I'll sulk. I was bored and I wanted to do some work."

He sat down next to me, "I know you did but you know more than anyone the dangers of a head injury. It can take hours, days to show any symptoms—"

"Yes father I know." I answered back before I felt like I was going to be sick, "I'm gonna be sick." I told him and he handed me a brown paper bowl which I threw up in. I noticed it was blood and I knew I was in trouble, throwing up blood was never a good sign.

He put the paper bowl on the side and tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear, "I wish you'd listened to me in the first place."

"I'm stubborn." I answered with a smile and turned over on my side, "We all know where I get that from."

"Your mother." He replied back and I smiled. He kissed my forehead and told me he was going to get Ruth to have a look at me. I nodded, told him not to rush back and closed my eyes.

I breathed in deeply and told myself that I shouldn't sleep until the Doctor had seen me but like earlier, I was finding it really difficult to stay awake. I knew it wouldn't be long before I did give in to sleep.

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**jottings** — thank you for everyone who's reviewed so far. If you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review ;3


	4. CHAPTER IV

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**CHAPTER FOUR.**

I was settling into a nice sleep when I heard the curtain been drawn open. My father came back in the cubicle and sat down beside me, "Guppy said he'll see you in a minute."

I yawned and nodded, "You can go back to work you know." I told him and smiled gently, he didn't want to leave me bless him but I told him that I could look after myself. He answered that if I could, I wouldn't be in this mess would I?

He left anyway but not before kissing my forehead and telling me if I needed him, don't be afraid to shout. He said he'd be able to hear my voice from the opposite side of the hospital. I punched his arm in retailation, "Whatever you say father."

Not long after Charlie had gone back to work, Guppy came in to see me, "What's the problem?"

"Do you talk to all your patients in that manner?" I answered back, "If you bothered to check my notes you'd know that I substained a head and abdominal injury in the bomb explosion this morning. I discharged myself and about fifteen minutes ago, I began to feel dizzy, nauseous etc. All classic symptoms of a head injury. I also felt pain in my stomach and I began to throw up blood, again all signs of an abdominal injury."

Finally, he explained that he'd do a blood test and send me up for another CT scan. I nodded, muttered thanks as he scribbled down my latest notes and left the cubicle. I knew there was something about him, he never seemed to enjoy the job anymore.

Kelsey, a short blonde Nurse came in to take my blood. First impressions of her was that she probably loved a gossip. I don't know why I thought that, I think it was because she was loud and confident.

"Lauren is it?" I nodded, "I'm just going to take some blood."

The needle was massive! "It's a good job I'm not trypanophobia with a needle that big." I said with a laugh. She laughed back, stuck the needle in my arm and found a vein. She took some of my blood and told me it wouldn't be long before they got the results back from the lab.

"The amount you've just taken, it's a good job I've got enough to keep me well, isn't it?"

She laughed again and I smiled. I never took anything seriously enough, least that's what dad said anyway. He said I was too humorous for my own good sometimes but as I always told him you've got to be happy in a life like ours.

/

"Doctor Toby, I hear you're a hero." I said with a smile. He smiled back and I could tell he was pleased with himself. He'd managed to save a little girl from a hypoglycemic coma, I would never have done that. The pressure would've got too much for me.

"Have you decided you still want to be a Doctor? Or are you just saying goodbye again?" I asked. He said that after saving that little girl, he realised he could make it as a Doctor. I hugged him tightly, "I knew you'd come to your senses."

I got out of bed and once again picked up the bag from underneath the bag.

He looked at me and said, "Lauren?"

"Yes?" I answered back as I put the bag on my shoulder.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking you out for a drink remember? I said—"

"I thought you were joking." I told him not to be so ridiculous. Why an earth would I joke about something as serious as alcohol? He told me he didn't agree with me discharging myself for a second time, (he'd already heard about the first time) and said anything could happen to me.

I smiled, pressed a finger to his lips and replied; "You only live once."

/

I went to the bathroom and changed into a pink polka dot blouse, a pair of black skinny jeans and some pink heels. I reapplied my makeup, ran a brush through my hair and left the bathroom. I put my bag in my locker and put on my jacket.

"Ready?" I heard Toby ask and I nodded, "Of course I'm ready."

We left the Hospital and walked to the pub engaging in small talk along the way. Once we reached the pub, I took out a ten pound note from my bra and handed it to Toby, "Get me a Malibu and Coke."

I sat down at a table at the end of the pub, crossed one leg over the other as I waited for him to come back. He returned a short while later carrying my drink and a pint for himself. As he placed mine down on the table, he sat down and necked his in one.

"Oi! That's not fair, you didn't give me chance." I laughed as I too necked my drink and placed the now empty glass on the table.

"You know, if I'd known you wanted to get absolutely pissed, I would've got us some shots." I smirked and stood up. Walking towards the bar, I ordered six shots and handed the barmaid my ten pound note.

Collecting my change, I picked up the shots and took them back to our table. Placing them on the table, I sat down and said to him; "Now are you ready?" And the rest of the night passed in a cloud of shots and being rather drunk.

/

I woke up and rolled over only to hit the body of someone beside me. I frowned, blinked several times and sat up. Beside me was Toby and I looked underneath the duvet to make sure I wasn't naked.

Thankfully, I wasn't so I could rule out a drunken one night stand. I realised that we were both in the on-call room and I wondered how an earth we even managed to get here in our drunken state.

My eyes found themselves looking at the clock and I noticed it was half eight and we were supposed to start work at eight.

"Fuck." I muttered as I clambered out of bed and threw the nearest thing I could find at Toby, "Toby! Wake up! We're late for work."

I had the worst headache ever and I quickly changed into my scrubs, took off last night's makeup and applied some fresh makeup and ran a brush through my hair. Noticing that Toby still hadn't got up, I jumped on him.

"Flamin' hell Lauren."

Laughing, I got off him, "We're late for work! We're gonna get shouted at like some naughty school children. Look, just get ready, I'll cover for you, alright?"

Still in his sleepy daze, he nodded and I smiled. Getting out of bed for the second time in ten minutes, I walked towards the door and opened it. Closing it behind me, I wondered if anyone noticed that both of us were late for work that morning.

/

It was a relief that when I walked towards Reception and found Kelsey in a worst state then me. I smirked, banged my hands on the desk (which in turn hurt my own head) and said; "Late night was it?"

"Hmm."

I smirked, "Maybe we should go out sometime? I mean—" I was about to answer when Guppy coughed and I turned around. I made eye contact with him and I knew he'd say about me being late. I was already ahead with the excuses though.

"Sorry, I — erm, overslept. I'm really sorry."

He didn't comment on my excuse and instead handed me a file, "Adam Williams, cubicle three. Sixteen years old, paracetomol overdose."

I nodded my head and told Kelsey that I would catch up with her later. I walked towards cubicle three and pulled open the curtain, "Adam? I'm Doctor Fairhead, Lauren." I smiled as I walked towards the bed and put the file on the bedside table.

"I hear you've taken a paracetomol overdose?"

The young boy didn't speak. At a guess, I would've said he was younger than sixteen but had obviously said sixteen so his parent's wouldn't be called. He stood up and picked up his bag.

"I can help you but I can only help if you tell me exactly what's wrong."

Silence again, "Adam, do you know the implications of a paracetomol overdose? You can die within the next three days. Your liver shuts down, I've got a feeling this—this was a cry for help wasn't it?"

"You don't know anything!" He answered back, put on his jacket and opened the curtain. He left before I could say another word and I picked up his file and sighed deeply. Another one gone before they could recieve treatment, their life in their hands.

I took the file back to Reception and went to find Guppy to tell him that Adam Williams had left before I could give him any treatment. I knew what they were going to ask, had I told him the risks of an overdose. I had because I had learnt from Toby's mistake when he failed too.

/

I'd got to Reception when Dixie and Jeff came through the doors, "This is Sofia Chapman, three years old. She's been in and out of consciousness after a fall from the monkey bars."

That name was familiar, too familiar but I told myself there must be tonnes of children called Sofia Chapman who happened to be three. It was only when I got towards Resus that I collided with someone coming out of the door.

"Sorry." I apologised only for the stranger to call my name, "Lauren?"

I looked up, my eyes falling upon someone I hadn't seen in four years, "Ethan?"

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review ;3


	5. CHAPTER V

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**CHAPTER FIVE.**

Ethan. Ethan Chapman, brown haired and brown eyed. I met him during University, his sister and I were both studying Medicine whilst he was studying Classical Studies. He was a few years older than me and we were friends until we both got drunk at the graduation party and slept together.

"What are you doing here?" In three years he hadn't changed at all. He was still the tall, handsome man I fell in love with back then.

"Sofia, she—she had an accident. I swear, I took my eyes of her for a minute."

I touched his arm gently and smiled a little, "She's in safe hands, why don't you call her mum?"

He looked at me, stared at me in the eye but it didn't say anything. I knew what he meant. He didn't need to call her mother because her mother was there. I meant her mother, the one who had brought her up all these years.

"Ethan, is there anyone I can call for you?" He shook his head and said there was no-one. It was just him and Sofia as his girlfriend has passed away from cancer three months ago. I said that I was sorry for his loss.

"I've—I've got things to do. Keep me informed of how she is won't you?"

"Won't you see her?" I bit my lower lip. It was wrong. I hadn't been there for almost four years. It wasn't right just to turn up, four years later and think everything will be okay.

"No. No, I'm not going too. It's wrong Ethan, I haven't seen her since she was a month old."

"Don't you miss her?" I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. I missed Sofia every day of my life but I wasn't ready to be a mother then and I wasn't ready now either, "Of course I miss her but I don't deserve her."

"Lauren, she needs her mum."

I made eye contact with him again, "She doesn't need me." My heart, my heart ached just to hold her, kiss her, read her favourite story and put her to bed one night. It's all I ever wanted but I made my choice, I had to live with it, even if I wanted to change it now.

I walked away from Resus, towards the staff-room. Closing the door, I sat on the sofa and burst into tears.

/

_Crying. Always crying. Won't be quiet._

_I paced up and down the bedroom, Sofia screaming in her cot. That's all she ever did. Scream. She never cried. Just screamed the place down. I was always alone with her. He'd gone out with his friends leaving me alone with her._

_The child that was possessed by the devil. I kept thinking of how easy it would be to kill her. All I'd need to do was cover her mouth with my hand and she'd be dead within a second. That scared me, those thoughts of harming my daughter._

_That's what made me walk. The thoughts of harming her. The shame and the guilt at being a shit mother. I left because I was too ashamed to visit my Doctor and admit that having a child was more difficult than anyone told me._

/

"Lauren?" I was aware I wasn't alone in the staff-room and I wiped away the mascara tears that were running down my cheeks. I looked up, my eyes falling upon my father, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just—" I began but he interrupted me.

"It doesn't look like nothing." I couldn't tell him about Sofia, the granddaughter he never knew existed being here, in Holby. And yes I hid it, the pregnancy. It was too difficult living in another part of the country.

I stood up and lied. I made up an excuse that I was busy and walked out of staff-room. I went to the toilets, sorted myself out and walked back towards Resus. I noticed that Ethan wasn't outside and as I stepped closer, I saw him with Sofia.

She was sat up in bed, clutching Ethan's hand. I smiled at the sight before me, wanting nothing more than to be part of _her _family unit but I knew, in reality, I never could be.

I was about to leave when I heard Ethan say, "Come and say hello."

Although relunctant too, I found myself following Ethan into Resus and towards the bed where Sofia was.

"Sofia, this is Lauren. She's a Doctor, she's going to help you get better."

I smiled, "And how old are you Sofia?"

"I'm three." She announced proudly and held up three fingers. It was only then that she saw my stethoscope around my neck and asked, "What's that?"

"This?" I took off my stethoscope and answered, "It's called a stethoscope and you listen to people's chests. Would you like to listen to your daddy's chest?"

She nodded and I handed it to her. Becoming Doctor Sofia, she ordered Ethan to sit very still as she listened to his chest. I smiled sadly, swallowing the lump in my throat and told them both that I was going to have to go.

Sofia handed me my stethoscope back and I gently took it from her, said thanks and put it around my neck. As I left, a tear rolled down my cheek and I wiped it away. I walked towards the on-call room, walked in and closed the door behind me.

Lying on the bed, leaning on my arm; I began to cry. I didn't expect that four years later, the two people I loved the most would turn up and complicated my life even more than it already was.

/

_Tick tock. Tick tock._

_Time passes by so slowly as I'm sat on the edge of the bath, staring at the white stick on top of the toilet seat. My period two weeks late. Terrfied of the possibility of being pregnant after a drunken one night stand. _

_Tick tock. Tick tock._

_Five minutes, over. I pick up the white stick, close my eyes and say a little prayer. I open my eyes to read the words pregnant staring back at me. And all I could think was shit, I really wasn't ready for this._

/

I cried until the point I couldn't breathe and I tried to get my breathing back to normal. I clutched a tissue in my hand as I sat up, picked up the pillow and held it to my chest.

There was a knock on the door and I hoped whoever it was would just go away. All I wanted was to be left alone. The door opened and Toby walked in, a soft smile on his face. There was nothing spoken between us as he turned to close the door and then looked back at me.

He noticed I was crying straight away, "Lauren?"

He was sat down on the bed beside me and asked, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, "N—Nothing—I'm—I'm okay."

"You don't look okay." He told me and I just looked at him. I couldn't tell him, we'd only known each other for a few days. He'd never understand what possessed me to turn my back on my flesh and blood.

"I'm—okay. P—promise."

He smiled sadly, tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and whispered, "If you ever need to talk, I'll be there." He smiled softly, took a pen out of his pocket and took my hand in his. His touch was gentle and he scribbled his number down on my hand.

"T—thanks." I choked back and he kissed my head, "Now are you going to tell me what's got you upset?"

"You—you'd never—understand." I whispered back, "N—Nobody would." I didn't say anything else. I put the pillow back on the bed and stood up. Wiping my tears with the back of my hands, I smiled sadly and told him maybe one day I'd take him up on his offer of talking.

But not yet. I couldn't. I hated myself enough for what I did to Sofia, I didn't want someone else to judge me by my past mistakes.

/

_It's the middle of the night and a storm's starting outside. The rain's hammering against the window and I've packed a bag full of belongings. I stare at Ethan, he's snoring in the bed._

_I scribble a note — a note full of apologises for leaving this way and how much I love them both. I leave it proped up against the alarm clock for Ethan to see first thing in the morning. _

_I looked at the cot with Sofia sleeping soundly. I leant over and gave her a kiss on her forehead, took a teddy bear and held it close. A tear rolled down my cheek and I kept the teddy bear before singing her favourite lullaby once more._

_I picked up my bag, creeped out of the bedroom and walked towards the front door. Unlocking the door with the keys from the table, I stepped into the hall and closed the door behind me. _

_With a slight hesitation, I posted the keys through the door and walked away. I walked away from the life I had created because I was selfish. I was ashamed and worst of all, I had actually thought about killing my daughter. __What kind of person did that make me? _

_/_

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review. ;3


	6. CHAPTER VI

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**CHAPTER SIX.**

I was relieved to finish my shift at eight. I changed out of my scrubs, slammed my locker closed and put my handbag on my shoulder. Reaching up, I took out my hair bobble and ran my hand through my hair, leaving it resting on my shoulders.

"You coming to the pub?" I heard Kelsey ask and as much as I loved to get pissed, there was something important I had to do.

"Not tonight, another time yeah?"

With a smile, I left the staff room and walked along the corridor heading for reception. As I was passing, I saw Dixie and another paramedic wheel in a patient, "Unidentified male, hit by a lorry about hundred yards away."

I thought to myself what a poor guy before I caught a glimpse of the tattoo on his wrist. It was a split second but I was almost certain, it read Sofia. Leaving my handbag at reception, I followed them into Resus whilst tying my hair back.

"He's called Ethan Chapman, he's twenty-nine."

"Do you know him?" Maggie asked and I ignored her question. I threw my jacket onto an empty bed and got to work. I wasn't going home whilst he was in this condition. I took over doing chest compressions but it was useless, he'd been down for twenty-five minutes.

"Well, I don't think there's anything else we can do. I'm calling it, do we all agree?"

"No." I blurted out, "No. He's not—" I couldn't even bring myself to say the word dead.

"Lauren." She said gently and I looked at her and nodded. I knew deep down that he was dead, it was pointless to carry out when he wasn't coming back. I pulled off my gloves and threw them in the bin before heading outside.

Once outside, I punched the wall. This. This couldn't be happening. Ethan couldn't be dead. I'd only spoken to him an hour, two hours ago. He was fine. He was happy. What was Sofia going to do without him?

I sniffed, wiped away the tears that had found their way down my cheeks and took a deep breath.

Sofia. Sofia. Shit, Sofia. What was I going to do about her?

"Lauren?" I turned to the right where the voice had come from and looked at Maggie. She handed a tissue to me and I smiled softly, whispered thanks and wiped my eyes.

"Why is it always the good ones that die?" I asked. It was a question neither of us could answer, life was simply cruel.

"Did you know him?"

I nodded, swallowed hard and answered; "He was a friend, a best friend and a boyfriend. And a father to our a little girl." As soon as I said it, I realised what I'd just said and I looked down at the floor.

In the heat of the moment, I'd exposed my secret.

"I—uh—there's something I need to do." I said and went back inside. I got the lift up to the Children's Ward and made my way towards Sofia's bed. When I reached her, she was asleep, clutching Piglet the bear.

I smiled at the sight in front of me and noticed how much she looked like me. She had my nose and the structure of my face. I pulled up a chair and sat down beside her, took her hand in mine and thought about how I was going to break the news that her daddy would never be home.

I don't know how long I was there but I must have fallen asleep because I was awoken by a little voice saying, "Doctor Lauren?"

Opening my eyes and sitting up, I rubbed the back of my neck and stared at Sofia. Her little brown eyes were staring at me in wonder at why I was asleep beside her. I smiled gently, "Hello Sofia."

"Where's your telescope?"

"My stethoscope? That's downstairs, I don't need it all the time."

"Doctor?" I nodded my head and she paused for a second. She thought in exactly the same way as Ethan! Whenever Ethan thought, he nibbled the side of his lip, "Doctor. The nurses say daddy's gone to be an angel, what does that mean?"

I figured the Nurses must have told her before and I was slightly ashamed. I wanted to be the one to break the news to Sofia. I wondered how I could explain it to a three year old and I told her as best as I could.

"Well, your daddy was hurt and he died. He's gone to be an angel in the sky."

"Oh." And that was it. She didn't ask another question, she didn't cry. I understood that she was probably trying to get her head around the idea of death. Death was a confusing subject for children, they didn't understand that it was permenantly.

I kissed her forehead, gave her a hug and reassured her that because she was hurt, she wouldn't die. Lots of people died from different things. I had to leave to go to work so I told a Nurse to stay with her, talk to her. Treat her like normal etc.

I got back to the ED, changed into my scrubs and began my shift, although I was unable to concentrate because I kept thinking of Sofia.

/

"Excuse me?" I turned around to find a woman, mid forties/early fifties stood in front of me. I smiled gently, "Can I help you?"

"You can keep away from my granddaughter for one." She must have seen the blank expression on my face because she continued, "Sofia Chapman? Keep away from her, you understand?"

I sighed, "No. No I won't keep away from your granddaughter because if you've forgotten, I'm her _mother_."

The woman, Emily I think her name was laughed. "A mother? You're just some cheap slut who couldn't keep her legs shut. It's your fault Ethan's dead. He should never have come here. If only he hadn't seen you again, he'd still be alive."

"Maybe he would be but I'm glad he came to see me. He wanted me to see Sofia."

"No, he wouldn't have. He hated you!" She answered back and I nodded, "I'm not surprised he hated me. I was a bitch. I left him with a child. No, he found me. He wanted me to see Sofia, he wanted me to have responsibility of her."

She laughed again, "You're not going anywhere near her."

"You can't stop me, I have every right to see her!" I screamed gaining the attention of everyone in the hospital.

"You gave up any rights you had, the day you left. You're nothing more than a poisonous bitch." She told me and I lost my temper. I slapped her hard across the face which caused everyone to gasp.

Before I could utter an apology, I heard Kelsey tell me to take five. I didn't want too but I knew I'd better had before I made the situation ten times worse. As I was about to walk away, I heard Emily ask if she could speak to management.

I knew this was it. The end of my career for smacking my daughter's grandmother in the middle of Reception. God help, I could only think as I sat in the staff room, shaking slightly.

A few moments later the door to the staff room slammed shut and I jumped, "What the hell are you playing at Lauren?" I heard my father shout and I answered back, "There's no need to shout."

"Do you know how much trouble you can be in if she decides to make a complaint?"

"Yes but she deserved it." I stared at the glass of water on the table, watching the tiny water bubbles floating to the surface and popping, "She provoked me and I couldn't help it."

"You're not at school now you know Lauren? You can't go around hitting whoever you like."

"Yes father, I know that so quit with the stupid pointless talk yeah?" I stood up and left the staff room, slamming the door behind me and going outside. I sat down on the wall, crossed one leg over the other and chewed the skin around my nails.

/

Just when you thought you lead a drama free life, something always changed the direction your life was heading.

/

I hadn't lost my temper since school. I was known for fighting but it all fairness, if someone wound me up, I hit them. Unfortunately, I thought I had left that side behind but in my defence, this was my daughter we were talking back.

I saw her, Emily at the other end of the carpark. I stood up, slowly walked towards her and said; "Emily, I'm sorry."

"It's a bit too late for that." She answered back. There was nothing exchanged between the two of us until I broke the ongoing silence between us, "Emily, please. I want to see Sofia."

"You'll never see her again. When she's discharged from here, I'm taking her back to Ireland."

"No. No you're not. Please, you can't take her back to Ireland. Ethan, he'd want her to stay here, in Holby with her friends."

"What would you know about Ethan's wishes for Sofia? You never spoke to him after you left." I swallowed the lump in the back of my throat. She was determined to punish me wasn't she? Fair enough, I was a _shit _mother but I could be a good one, (well possibly).

"You're right. I wouldn't. But do you think she's going to want to go with you? Back to a place she's never been before?"

"What's the alternative? Stay with you? A Doctor who's incapable of looking after herself let alone anybody else? A Doctor who left her daughter once before and wouldn't be afraid to do it again? If I leave Sofia with you, _anything_ could happen to her."

"Maybe but don't I get a second chance?"

Emily shook her head, "Sorry, no. You made your choice four years ago when you walked out. I'm not bound to see Sofia hurt again like she was all those years ago. Does she even know your her mother?"

"No." I answered and Emily told me that was my answer. Sofia didn't need to know about me and I could just forget she existed like before. If only it was that easy I thought as I told her that if she dared tried to take my little girl away, I'd fight her.

"What and make things worse for yourself?" I swallowed again and I left her. I walked away from the situation before I gave her a black eye to complete her battered look. Emily Chapman had never liked me, ever since I broke her finest china on my very first visit to her house.

A woman who believed money brought everything.

A woman stuck up her own arse, so too speak.

/

I went back into the hospital, took a deep breath and decided to do some work seeing as that's what I was getting paid for. I was about to pick up a patient card from reception when I heard Emily shout my name.

I rolled my eyes, I didn't want her to start another argument, "What is it Emily?"

As I made eye contact with her, I noticed she looked pale; "Emily?"

"It's Sofia, she's — she's taken a turn for the worst." I listened to the words Emily was telling me and I actually thought I was going to pass out. I swallowed and heard my name being called that I was needed in Resus.

I told Emily to wait in the relative's room, pulled my act together and walked into Resus, "What've we got?"

"Sofia Chapman, three years old. Admitted with a head injury last night, kept in for observation. Became very difficult to wake this afternoon, vomiting as well as complaining of neck pain. Lost consciousness on the way down from the Children's ward."

I nodded and at that moment, I heard the heart monitor begin to beep. I couldn't move. I was frozen to the spot. My eyes staring at the tiny body of Sofia on the bed, silently praying they'd save her. I couldn't lose Sofia as well as Ethan, I needed her.

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**jottings** — if you do like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to leave a review. :3


	7. CHAPTER VII

ϟ

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**CHAPTER SEVEN.**

"Lauren?" I could hear my name being called but I couldn't reply. I was frozen to the spot, staring at Sofia as the heart monitor beeped continuously. I was scared — petrified about Sofia dying.

"Toby, take Lauren to the staff room." I could hear the beating of the montior grow quieter and quieter as I was lead out of Resus and towards the staff room. The next thing I remember is been given a cup of tea and Toby telling me to drink it as it would make me feel better.

I don't remember drinking it exactly but I must have because I was staring at the bottom of the cup.

"What's wrong?" Toby asked and I made eye contact with him,

"I freaked out, that's all." I answered back and placed the mug down on the table, "That's the first time I've ever seen a child in Cardiac arrest." It was a plausible excuse for now and I knew Toby would buy it for now.

"I — uh — I best get back."

I nodded slowly, "Toby? Tell me how she is won't you?"

He said he would and left the staff room, leaving the door ajar behind him. I tucked my knees under my chin and stared into space. I was disturbed by Abs who'd slammed the door close, not realising there was anybody inside.

"Sorry." He apologised.

I smiled weakly, "It's okay." There was a silence between us before I stood up and took the mug off the coffee table. Walking towards the sink, I washed the cup out before placing it on the side. I walked back to the sofa and sat down.

"How's the man who was brought in? The one hit by a lorry." Abs asked as he closed his locker and lent against it.

"He died." I said gently. It still didn't click. Ethan was dead. Ethan wasn't coming home. Sofia would never see her father again. In a way, I wish I was the one to die. Sofia didn't need someone as horrible as me to be her mother, did she?

I stood up, left the staff room and walked to reception. I was about to take my handbag when Maggie called my name. I turned around and looked her in the eye, "How is Sofia?"

"She's stable, she's on five minute obs." I nodded, put my handbag over my shoulder and smiled a little,

"I'd best be going."

"Canteen, ten minutes?" Maggie asked, "I think we need to talk." She didn't give me chance to make up an excuse to get out of it. I knew she knew that I was Sofia's mother. That was one of the great things about Maggie.

She could put two and two together without you saying anything.

/

I sat in the canteen, a cup of coffee in front of me. I didn't really want to drink the coffee, it was simply habit to buy it. I took a sip and stared at the writing over the lid. I only looked up when I heard Maggie sit down opposite me.

"I know what you're going to say." I told her before she even had chance to speak, "So before you ask, yes. Sofia is my daughter."

There was a silence between us as I fiddled with the coffee cup, "I was twenty-one. I wasn't ready for a baby, all I wanted to do was get my degree in Medicine. I was so withdrawn from it but I thought once I held it, I'd love it."

"But I didn't. Once I held her, all I could think about was how much my life was going to change."

I stopped talking realising what I was doing. I couldn't possibly talk to her about it. For one she'd never understand and two, she'd hate me. However, the other part of me could no longer keep my secret quiet anymore.

"All she'd do every day was cry. I'd leave her crying, staring into space and losing all sense of reality." I necked the coffee in one and slammed the empty cup down on the table,

"I had Post-natal Depression yet I was too ashamed about asking for help. Instead, I left when Sofia was a month old. I left because I wanted to kill my only daughter."

"You were ill Lauren, you can't blame yourself."

"Can't I?" I answered back.

There was a silence between us before Maggie broke the silence by asking; "Does Charlie know?"

"No. You only know because you guessed."

"Don't you think he deserves to know?"

"Of course I do. I just — all he's ever wanted is for me to make him proud. This — this isn't going to make him proud is it? The fact I was twenty-one, I was pregnant, I kept it a secret and I lied."

"What are you going to do about Sofia?"

"Nothing." I began to fiddle with the coffee cup in my hand, "Emily's taking her to Ireland. She'll have a great life, she won't need me. She doesn't even know who I am."

"You're just going to let her go?"

I sighed, "Maggie, I'm twenty-four and a half years old. I can barely look after myself, let alone been able to look after Sofia. Her grandmother can provide all the things I can't. I'm doing this for her, can't you see that?"

"Lau—" She began but I cut her off, "Don't try talking me out of it, I've made up my mind."

I stood up, pushed my chair underneath the table and threw my coffee cup away. As I left the canteen and the hospital, I knew deep down I was doing the right thing for Sofia.

/

I slowly began to walk home although the place I wanted to go the most was the pub and get absolutely smashed. However, it had taken me a good couple of years to shake off my image of being a _wild child _so I decided not to go out and get drunk.

I reached the front door and put the key in, opened it and stepped into the house, "Dad? Louis?"

My father shouted that he was in the living room so I closed the door behind me and left my jacket and my handbag on the stairs. Taking off my shoes, I lined them up neatly by the door and walked into the living room.

"Where's Louis?" I asked as I sat on the seat nearest to him.

"Gone to a friend's house." There was a silence between us before he asked gently, "Why didn't you tell me?"

I looked at Charlie and I knew Maggie had said something. She just couldn't resist, "She had no right, it wasn't her place to tell you."

"She was only doing what she thought was best." I stood up from the chair and told him to tell her, I'd never tell her anything again. Perhaps I was behaving irrationally but I was hurt. I didn't want my father to know my secret because he'd be disappointed.

I could tell he was. I could see it in his eyes. And if he was disappointed, how an earth did my mother feel?

/

I left my bedroom by climbing down the drainpipe. It was so much easier than going downstairs and crossing paths with my father. No doubt we'd argue. I put my hands in my hoodied jumper and began to walk towards a familiar place.

I reached the cemetery where my mother was buried and sat in front of her grave, "I wish you were alive, you'd be able to tell me what to do next." I whispered gently as I began to tidy up the grave.

"I need your advice. I know that right now, you prob—" I paused and looked up at the sky as a raindrop hit me. I saw the sky was getting darker and it began to rain heavier, "You're making it rain because your upset with me, aren't you?"

I picked a daisy out of the ground, tore off its petals and stood up, "I'll come back when you've stopped being angry with me."

It wasn't long before I was soaked to the skin, my hair stuck to my forehead and I was shivering. I didn't want to go home but sadly I had no choice, there was nowhere else I could go.

/

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**jottings** — if you do like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to leave a review. :3 usually excuses for the delay in updating, all my free time at the moment is been given to work doing overtime(n) oh, i've found the** perfect **song for Toby/Lauren. :3


	8. CHAPTER VIII

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**CHAPTER EIGHT.**

The next day at work was a nightmare. There was such an atmosphere between Charlie, Maggie and I that I knew everyone could sense it. Perhaps I should've been professional and left my issues at the door, after all it wasn't good for the team or the patients.

I'd been rushed off my feet all day and I still had four hours of my shift left. I'd dealt with a heroin overdose, a drunk patient, a broken leg and intubated an unconscious patient.

I was stood by the Nurses' station, writing out how much medication to give to Mr Houston in Cubicle ten when Tess walked towards me and said gently, "I don't know what problem you and your father have but please don't bring it into work."

I finished writing and turned to her, "Look, I know you have great intentions Tess but please don't tell me what to do." I walked off, feeling a little guilty inside for the way I'd spoken to her. After all, I knew she was only trying to be professional which is something I should be.

"Lauren, there's someone at Reception to see you." TC the Receptionist said. I frowned, I wasn't expecting anybody so I didn't know who it was. I walked towards Reception and chewed my lower lip, wondering who my visitor was.

I didn't need to wait long to find out, "Doctor Lauren!" A little voice said and ran towards me. As Sofia wrapped her arms around my middle, I smiled a little and knelt down, "Hello Sofia, are you feeling better?"

"Yes thank you, Doctor Lauren." She smiled brightly.

I found myself smiling back as I nodded, "Well that's good. Is that your new teddy that your nana's brought you?" I asked as I noticed she was holding a different teddy to when I'd last seen her.

"No, this is for you." She handed the teddy to me and I smiled, "Thank you."

"Come on Sofia, we best be going." I heard Emily say and I stood up. I made eye contact with her and smiled a little before thanking her for the teddy. She said it wasn't her idea, it was Sofia's.

I hugged Sofia one last time before Emily and Sofia left the hospital. I held the teddy bear to my chest and let the tears roll down my cheeks as I walked off towards the toilets. Today was the last time I'd ever see my daughter and although I was distraught, I knew it was for the best.

/

I went to the toilet, closed the door and slid down the wall. Even though I knew it was for the best, it still didn't stop me feeling like my heart had been taken out of my chest. It sounds pathetic doesn't it? Especially as I never knew the girl.

I held the teddy tightly, burying my face into its fur. The teddy bear smelt like Sofia, her scent of watermelon shampoo and I closed my eyes, hoping this whole thing didn't exist. The door of the toilets opened and I tried to stop crying but I couldn't.

"Hello, are you okay in there?"

"Yeah, please Maggie just go away."

She leant against the toilet cubicle, "Lauren, what's wrong?"

Silence. I held the teddy and fiddled with its scarf around its neck, "Nothing. Anyway, I can't tell you anything, you'll only tell my father."

"I'm sorry, I thought I was doing what was right." She sighed, "Lauren you're making a huge mistake."

"I'm doing what I think's best for Sofia. Now whether that's with me or her grandmother, that's my choice. Her grandmother can provide for her all the things I can't. She can have a better life with her than she will with me."

"You love her don't you?" I heard her ask and I nodded. I loved her more than anything I'd ever loved.

"Of course but when has love ever been enough?"

There was just silence between us again. I stood up from the floor, wiped away the tears that were rolling down my cheeks and unlocked the toilet cubicle. I made eye contact with her and smiled a little, "She's better off without me."

"Do you really think so?" Maggie asked and I nodded. I was nobody, she didn't even know I was her mother. I couldn't confuse the child, she'd already had enough distruption in her life as it was.

Muttering a thanks to Maggie, I left the bathroom, aware that I'd spoken to her when I said I'd never speak to her again. I went to the staff-room, put the teddy bear into my locker and walked over to the sink.

Picking up a glass, I rinsed it out, filled it half full with water and took a sip. Leaving the glass on the side, I went to my locker, took out my jacket and put it on. Then, I reached for my handbag, looked for my phone and called for a taxi.

Leaving the staff room, I bumped into Toby and smiled, "Toby, can you do me a massive favour?"

"What is it Lauren?" He asked not looking up from his patient's file.

"Cover for me? Please. I'll be less than an hour, I promise." Before he could protest against it, I kissed his cheek and left with a cheeky smile. I got outside the hospital to find the taxi already waiting for me and I got in and said Holby Airport.

Maybe Maggie was right. Maybe, Sofia did need me.

/

I don't know why I thought they'd have gone to the Airport, they could've got a flaming ferry for all I know. I just presumed they'd fly as it would be easier for Sofia.

I reached the Airport, handed the taxi driver a ten pound note and told him to keep the change. I walked into the Airport and into the crowds of thousands of people. I had found out there was a flight leaving for Dublin at twenty past five from Terminal Three and I knew I needed to hurry up.

Now, it had been a while since I'd been to the Airport, everything had changed again. I took a lift to Terminal three, walked through the skyline to reach the check in desks.

There were several queues of people waiting to check in and I sighed. Finding Sofia in that would take me ages. I began to walk towards the back of the queue when I saw her. She had her backpack on her back and her piglet teddy in her hands.

She looked excited and I debated whether to turn around and leave again. Instead, I walked towards them and said gently, "Hello Emily."

Emily didn't look best pleased to see me and grabbed Sofia's arm, "You're not taking her away from me."

"Emily." I said gently, "Sofia needs to be with her mum, we both know that. Just, let me have her, please."

Sofia looked down at Piglet and then back at Emily, "Nana, you're hurting my arm."

Emily let go off her arm and Sofia went to hide behind me, "Doctor Lauren, nana says you're my mummy but you didn't want me." I made eye contact with Emily and was about to tell her that she could see Sofia whenever she wanted.

I noticed the flicker of something but before I could register what it was, I felt a sharp pain hit me in the stomach. Instintively, I put my hands on my stomach only to notice there was blood on them.

I realised that she'd stabbed me and that's when I began to feel the pain. It was a dull ache at first but it soon intenseified. I fell to the floor and soon gained the attention of everybody in the Airport.

"Oh my god, she's been stabbed." Someone remarked and I felt like telling them that as a Doctor, I already knew that. I noticed that Emily had gone and Sofia was stood on the spot, her teddy on the floor and her eyes fixed on me.

"Sofia, Sofia, come here." It was almost as if she was frozen on the spot because she couldn't move her eyes away from me. Eventually, she moved closer to me and looked at me.

I could feel someone press down on my stomach and another person tell me that the ambulance was on there way. I was beginning to panic, I thought this was it. I was going to die from a stab wound because I wanted my daughter back.

"Tell—tell me your favourite book?"

"Peppa Pig." She said gently, "What's yours?"

"My favourite book?" I took a deep breath, "It's called The Family."

There was a little bit of silence as I thought about what to ask next. Just as I was about to answer, Josh and Greg arrived and I couldn't help but smile as Josh rolled his eyes and said I was in trouble again.

"I'm forever in trouble Josh, you know me." I looked at Sofia and smiled, "Sofia, this is Josh and Greg. They're my friends. They ride a big truck that has sirens."

She still didn't say anything, the shock was getting to her. "Greg, Josh, meet Sofia, my daughter." Neither of them said anything but I noticed the questioning looks. I wanted to reach out and hold Sofia's hand but I didn't want to get blood on her and scare her.

Josh moved the teeshirt that was pressed on my stomach and said; "Good news is that it's stop bleeding."

"Really?" I tutted, "So, it's most likely a flesh wound? Damn, what's the fun in that?"

He smiled, "We're going to take you to hospital. You'll definitely need that stitching. The police will want to speak to you when you get there."

I nodded slowly and looked at Sofia, "Sofia, we're going back to the hospital again." She bent down to pick up the Piglet that she had dropped and held it to her chest. Greg offered her his hand and she looked at me before holding his hand with her own.

* * *

**jottings** — if you do like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to leave a review. :3


	9. CHAPTER IX

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* * *

**CHAPTER NINE.**

I lay on the bed, my shirt rolled up slightly so Abs was able to stitch the small wound on my stomach. I was glad I'd managed to shave my stomach the night before as well as the stab wound being superficial.

"Where's Sofia?" I asked as I looked at Abs.

"Don't worry, she's with Toby, she's in safe hands."

I nodded slowly. The truth was, I had this fear inside. The fear that Emily would come back, she'd try and hurt me again. Either that, or she'd hurt Sofia because I loved her more than anything.

"Make sure Emily doesn't come anywhere near her, please."

"Relax she won't." He told me and I stared at the ceiling. I wanted to believe him, I really did but I was scared. Of course, I wouldn't admit to been scared. Who would admit such a weakness? Not me, that's for sure.

"There, we're all done. The stitches will have to come out between seven to ten days."

I nodded, "Is that it? Can I get back to work? I've already wasted enough of your time."

Abs said he'd get me the paperwork to sign and I nodded. I'd spent more time as a patient than I had as a Doctor. As Abs went to leave the cubicle, I asked if he could get Sofia for me. The curtain closed and I sat on the bed, alone, fiddling with the tread in the sheet.

After a couple of minutes of silence, the curtain opened and Toby and Sofia popped their heads around. I smiled as I saw them both and Sofia walked up towards the bed, "Toby, do you mind if you gave us a minute?"

"Course, I'll just be—uh outside."

I picked Sofia up and put her on the bed next to me, "I bet you're confused aren't you?"

She nodded her head, her brunette hair falling in front of her face. Gently, I tucked a strand behind her ear and said gently, "Nana was right. I am your mother but—"

"But you didn't want me." She whispered and I shook my head;

"No, mummy did want you but—well, mummy was poorly. Mummy had to go away for a little bit and by the time mummy got better, you were a big girl." Sofia stared at me with her bright brown eyes and I looked back at her.

I could tell in her eyes she was scared and I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into a hug. She rested her head on my shoulder and whispered gently, "Nana hurt you. Will Nana hurt me?"

"No." I answered back although I couldn't be certain. How did I know that Emily wouldn't hurt Sofia to get back at me for taking her away? The woman already blamed me for the death of her only child, her only son. It was only a matter of time really.

"There was blood, lots of blood."

"Ssh." I whispered, "All the blood's gone now. Nobody's hurt."

As Sofia rested her head on my chest, the curtain opened again and Toby came in. He hovvered around at the end of the bed and I looked at him and told him, "You can come closer, we don't bite."

He smiled a little and I smiled back. He seemed a little uncomfortable around me and I sighed. Just when I thought our friendship was making progress, something put it back to square one.

"Why didn't you tell me? I thought we were friends?"

"We are friends Toby."

"Then why didn't you?" I chewed my lower lip. This was exactly the reason why I wanted to keep Sofia '_hidden'_ so to speak. The hundred and one questions of why I never mentioned it, not to mention repeating that I left because I had PND.

"Motherhood is a lot harder than they tell you in the books Toby." I paused, "I left when Sofia was one month. I suffered really bad Post-Natal Depression. I didn't speak or hear from her until yesterday, when she came into the hospital."

"You kept her a secret from everyone? Even your own father?"

"I know, it's shameful isn't it?" I questioned only not to receive a reply, "It was shame I guess. The shame of getting pregnant young, being unable to care for her. I felt so alone, I felt everyone would judge me for all the mistakes I made."

"I wish you'd spoken to me, I could've understood."

"Toby, you wouldn't have understood." I paused, "Maybe one day, when you experience fatherhood, maybe you'll realise it's not so simple as they say in the books."

There was a silence between us and I fiddled with the Hello Kitty clip in Sofia's hair. I looked down at her and smiled softly. Her eyes were fixed on Toby and I smiled. She seemed to like him which was a good thing.

He left not long after and it was just Sofia and I. Then, she whispered that she needed to go to the toilet so I got off the bed and held my hand out to her. She put her hand in mine, smiled and shuffled off the edge of the bed.

/

I took her home after I was discharged, Tess telling me to take the rest of the shift off. I felt a bit guilty, I mean, I'd hardly known them I was able to be an outstanding Doctor. Drama followed me around everywhere.

I took Sofia back to mine, or rather my father's house. I showed her my bedroom, she stood in the middle of the room, staring at the walls. My bedroom was large — or small, depending which you were used too I guess.

It was black, red and white with a large poster bed in the corner of the room along the a wardrobe, a dressing table and a desk. On the walls were various canvases of Marilyn Monroe and Ursula Andress.

On the wall beside the bed was several photographs of friends, family and memories from school and night's out. It had taken me ages to get the room exactly how I wanted but I didn't mind.

I was just happy I had Sofia back.

She sat on the edge of the bed, clutching Piglet and had her Winnie the Pooh bagpack next to her. She swung her legs backwards and forwards before I knelt in front of her and asked; "What's in your bag?"

"Clothes." She whispered and unzipped the bag. I picked it up and looked inside. She was right, there were clothes inside. Not many but enough for three days/nights. It would give me enough time to buy her some new ones.

"Do you like your new bedroom?"

"It's pretty." She answered back and I smiled. She gently stroked the fabric of the bed cover but didn't say anything. I bit my lower lip for a second before I asked, "Would you like something to eat?"

"Please."

"What would you like to eat?"

She shrugged her shoulders and stared at the head of Piglet, "Would you like a sandwich? Or would you like to make some cupcakes?"

There was a pause before she whispered, "Daddy used to make cupcakes. I miss daddy." I noticed a tear trickle down her cheek and I pulled her into a hug as she began to sob, whispering that she wished she could see daddy again.

/

Sofia and I went to the kitchen and decided to make pancakes instead of cupcakes as I didn't want to upset her. I got out the plain flour from the cupboard and the eggs and the butter and placed them next to each other on the counter.

Sofia, stood on the chair against the counter went to reach for the butter when she accidently knocked over the flour.

"Oops." She said with a smile as the flour fell over and covered the worktop. I laughed as I put my hands in the flour and made handprints. Sofia giggled and put some flour on her hands before throwing it at me.

"You cheeky devil." I told her, picked up some flour and threw it in her direction. As it hit her, she laughed and put some on my face. It wasn't long before we were covered head to toe in flour and giggling.

The front door slammed and I found myself jumping. I could tell by the footsteps heading towards the kitchen that Louis was home. He walked into the kitchen and stopped as he saw Sofia and me.

"Who's this?" He asked as he made eye contact with Sofia.

"Your niece, she's called Sofia and she's three."

"My niece? But—" He paused softly and moved her attention away from Sofia to me.

"I'll explain to you later, okay?" He shrugged his shoulders, walked towards the fridge and opened it. Taking out a bottle of orange juice, he unscrewed the lid and took a sip before leaving the kitchen.

"Oh, dad said he'll be home late." Louis told me before he walked out. I heard his footsteps on the stairs, the slam of his door and the music playing. I rolled my eyes, turned to Sofia and said gently, "Come on, I think we need to get cleaned up."

/

I sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at Sofia. She was wearing yellow pyjamas, held her Piglet teddy close to her and sleeping on her side. Her chest was raising and falling and she was sucking on her thumb.

I felt a small smile grace my lips and I slowly got up from the edge of the bed. I left my bedside light on because I wasn't too sure if Sofia could sleep in the dark or night. I pulled the door to and walked along the landing before knocking on Louis' bedroom door.

I opened the door to see Louis on his bed, on his mobile phone. I rolled my eyes. He was a typical teenage boy. I walked towards the bed and perched on the edge, "You want to know about Sofia?"

He didn't look up from his phone, "Hmm."

"Look, I'm sorry okay. I'm sick of explaining why I was a shit mother. I left her and her dad died and that leaves me. So, I've got to take some responsibility for her. You know what I mean?"

"Hmm." He muttered again and I smacked his leg, "Are you listening to me?"

"Yeah yeah." He replied, still texting furiously on his phone. I rolled my eyes and got up, "Look, I'm not like mum. Mum was born to be a mother, I on the other hand wasn't. I'm just, I'm trying to put right my mistakes."

Receiving no reply from my useless brother, I rolled my eyes again and left the room, slamming the door closed behind me. Since my brother had turned into a stroppy teenager, our relationship had got worse.

I went back to my bedroom, lay down at the side of the bed with my dressing gown and closed my eyes. It was uncomfortable sleeping on the floor but I didn't want Sofia to sleep on the floor either. No, my little girl deserved comfort.

As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was asleep, exhausted from the past few days.

* * *

**jottings** — if you do like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to leave a review. :3


	10. CHAPTER X

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER TEN.**

It was gone six when I woke up. It was dark outside and I slowly sat up on the floor and looked at Sofia. She was in the same position as last night, clutching her teddy and sucking her thumb and I smiled.

Rubbing the back of my neck that was sore, I got up off the floor and picked up my dressing gown. Hanging it up on the wardrobe, I picked up the cushion and placed it at the end of my bed.

I left the bedroom, walked along the hall and tip-toed downstairs. I took the newspaper out of the letter box and walked into the kitchen. Throwing it down on the table, I walked to the worktop and picked up the kettle.

Filling the kettle with water, I flicked the switch and sat down at the table. Leaning against my hand, I opened the newspaper where the houses were and began to look for a house slash a flat to rent.

Sofia and I needed our own space. As much as I loved been at home with my father, all of us living under one roof was too much. Plus, I was too old to still be living at home. When the kettle had finished boiling, I stood up, took a mug out the cupboard and made myself some tea.

I sat back down at the table and began to circle possible houses. I needed somewhere close to the Hospital and close to several Nursery's so I knew where to put Sofia. I was aware as I was reading the newspaper of footsteps coming down the stairs and I took a sip of my tea.

"Sleep well?" My father asked and I nodded, "Well, as well as you can sleep on the floor."

"Is the kettle boiled?"

I nodded, "Just done it." I smiled softly and stared down at the newspaper. There was a silence between us and I heard him place his mug down beside the kettle, "Are you mad at me? For the secrets and the lies?"

Charlie shook his head, "I was never mad at you Lauren. I wasn't even disappointed. I was upset because—well, I was upset because you couldn't come and talk to me about it."

"I'm sorry, really I am. I just—"

"It's okay. What's happened has happened. Just promise me, you won't keep anymore secrets."

I stood up from the table and walked towards him. Wrapping my arms around him, I answered back; "Oh dad, I promise I will never, ever keep another secret from you."

He hugged me back tightly until we both heard Louis stood in the doorway, "Don't mean to break up the party but Sofia's crying." I stopped hugging my father and I noticed the atmosphere between the two.

"Thanks." I muttered to Louis, left the kitchen and began to walk up the stairs towards my bedroom. As I reached the bedroom, I noticed Sofia stood by the bed, shivering and I was concerned.

"Sofia?" I walked towards her and knelt to her level, "Did you have a bad dream?"

She shook her head, "No. I weed." She pointed to the bed and I smiled a litle, stood up and walked towards the bed. I pulled back the duvet to find a large patch in the bed.

"Oopsy daisy." I said, knowing not to make a big deal out of it. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed because it was a natural part of learning. Kneeling down to her level again, I hugged her tightly and said gently, "Should we go for a bath?"

She clutched my hand and I smiled gently and took her into the bathroom.

/

After a bath, I got Sofia changed into a pair of jeans and a yellow teeshirt. I took her downstairs for breakfast, where she sat down on the chair at the time and looked at Charlie, all wide-eyed.

"Hello, you must be Sofia."

She giggled, "Who are you?"

"I'm your Grandpa." Charlie said and she frowned.

"No you're not. I already have one." I laughed as I buttered her toast and cut it into four squares. I gave it to Sofia and smiled.

"Sofia you have two grandma's and two granddad's. One is mummy's mummy and daddy and the other is daddy's mummy and daddy."

She looked up, pressed her lips together and nodded. She didn't seem to understand and instead just picked up her toast and took a bite. I looked at Charlie and pressed my own lips together before saying; "Dad? Can you do me a massive favour? Pleaseee."

"It depends what you want?"

I grinned, "Can you look after Sofia for me? I know it's your day off but please. It'll only be for today, just whilst I can find a Nursery for Sofia to spend her time."

"Alright." He agreed and I smiled, "Thanks. You're the best." It wasn't long before I had to leave for work. After getting ready into a pair of jeans and a plain hoody. I knelt down to Sofia's level and kissed her head, "Mummy's got to go to work."

She kissed me on the lips, giggled and walked into the living room. I picked up my handbag, turned to Charlie and hugged him tightly, "Right, if there's any problems and I mean anything, call me."

I stood at the bottom of the stairs and shouted up the stairs, "Louis! If you want a lift to school, I'm leaving in five."

I walked out of the front door and walked to my car. Unlocking it, I got in the drivers side and put the keys in the ignition. Approximately four minutes and thirty seconds later, Louis opened the passenger side door and closed it behind him.

"You don't half push your luck." I told him and he shrugged his shoulders.

The journey to school and work was quiet, even the radio couldn't start a conversation between us too. As we reached traffic, I turned to Louis and said gently, "Look, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." He answered but I wasn't convinced. He had suddenly changed but then again, it could be the fact he had all that testosterone flying through his body.

"You sure?" I pressed, "You can talk to me you know Louis! I might be nearly twenty-five, a mother but I'll always be your sister. Whatever's wrong, you can talk to me. I promise."

He opened the car door, "Thanks for the lift sis." and slammed the car door closed. I sighed as I watched him walk towards the school. My little brother wasn't so little anymore and our relationship wasn't as close either.

/

I got to work, changed into my scrubs and bumped into Toby. I grinned as I dived on him and hugged him tightly.

"What was that for?" He asked as I stopped smothering him.

I began to laugh, "I wanted to say hello."

"And what was wrong with a simple hello." I shrugged my shoulders and stuck out my bottom lip,

"It's boring." I whispered back and smiled a little. I asked if he wanted a cup of tea and he said he'd like one so I made us both a cup of tea before he were due to start work. I sat down on the sofa waiting for the kettle to boil and leant my head against his shoulder.

Before we knew it, it was time for us to start out shift and I shifted my head off his shoulder. Turning to Toby, I looked him in the eye, "I really can't be bothered, can you?"

He didn't verbally reply, instead he just smiled and we stood up. As we walked out, we were caught by Tess who told me there was a patient in cubicle three, suspected broken arm and Toby was needed in Resus.

I reached cubicle three and opened the curtain, "Hello, I'm Doctor Fairhead."

My patient, seven year old Abigail had fallen down the stairs. As I examined her, I noticed she was covered in old cuts and bruises. Immediately, I got onto the Social. I was right too. It turned out Abigail was on the at risk register.

/

I'd been working for about four hours when I took a break. I walked towards the staff-room, took my handbag out of my locker and took out my mobile phone. I noticed I had four missed calls from my father and I began to panic.

Pressing the call button beside his name, I pressed the phone to my ear and sat down on the sofa and listened to the phone ringing. Eventually my father answered and said, _"Hello?"_

"Dad it's me, what's wrong? Is Sofia okay?"

_"Sofia's fine, it's—" _He paused and I wondered what was so wrong that he can to call me.

"Dad?"

_"It's Louis. He's been excluded from school, he's been smoking drugs." _

"I'm on my way home." I told him as I ended the call. I put my phone in my handbag and put it over my shoulder. Leaving the staff-room, I told TC to tell Tess that a family emergency had come up and there was nothing I could do.

"Tell her yourself." He told me and as I turned around, she was there with that stern expression on her face.

"Tess I am so sorry but Louis' been excluded from school and dad's kinda having a breakdown. I'll be back as soon as I can and I promise I'll make up the hours."

"Go." She nodded towards the door and I smiled softly, "Thank you."

I got home in about ten minutes, breaking every speed limit on the roads. I pulled up outside the house, got out of the car and locked the door before going to the front door. As soon as I opened the door, I could sense the atmosphere.

"Dad, I'm home." I walked into the living room to find Charlie and Sofia sat on the floor playing with the teddy. I smiled at the sight before I said gently, "Dad, what he's done?"

Telling Sofia he'd be back in a moment, Charlie walked towards me and whispered; "Louis was caught with cannibis on him. He was caught smoking it behind the bike sheds this morning."

I touched Charlie's arm and said it'll be okay. I knew what he was thinking though. I knew he thought he was a failure. There was me who couldn't tell him about my pregnancy and Louis smoking away his brain cells through weed.

/

I couldn't get my head around Louis using drugs. I mean, drugs? It was a like a bad case of history repeating itself. Marching up the stairs, heart beating fast inside my chest, I reached his bedroom and flung open the door.

"What?" He asked.

"Don't what me!" I replied, "Is it true?"

"Is what true?" He placed his phone down on his bed, acting all innocent.

"Don't give me that shit, is it true? You've been smoking weed?"

He laughed, "Is that what all this is about? Yeah, I've done a bit of dope, it's no biggie."

I was fuming. He was acting like a childish little boy, "No biggie? For crying out loud Louis, it's illegal!"

"Dope's nothing compared to the drugs you used to do, you drugged up junkie." I saw red. I clenched my fist and punched him in the mouth. He was too stunned to do anything, only touched his mouth before muttering,

"That hurt!"

"Good." I answered back and walked to the door, "If you _ever _do drugs again Louis, I swear it won't be your mouth that hurts. Understood?"

I didn't give him time to answer. I just left the bedroom, slammed the door closed behind me and sat down at the top of the steps. My baby brother was going off the rails and there was nothing I could do.

* * *

**jottings** — it's a little different to the preview but you get the idea. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review. :3


	11. CHAPTER XI

ϟ

* * *

**CHAPTER ELEVEN.**

I woke up in an unfamiliar room, the sun shining through the cracks in the blinds and I blinked, adjusting to the light. I sat up in the bed, resting on my elbows and stared at the figure beside me.

There was a man in the bed and I knew I'd slept with someone. Who, was another question. He was old, well older than me, brown haired and brown eyed. Not attractive but not ugly either and I sighed deeply.

I could vaguely remember an argument with Louis and leaving the house. I knew I'd probably gone to the pub and got completely rat-arsed and I hated the fact that I'd slept with a complete stranger. I thought I'd put that behind me.

My eyes found there way around the bedroom. I came to the conclusion that it was a cheap hotel in the middle of town and I looked at the clock. It was already half nine and I was due in work in half an hour. Pulling the covers off me, I picked up my clothes that were all over the bedroom and changed.

Scribbling down a number on the piece of paper on the beside table, I walked to the door and opened it. I walked out of the room and along the corridor, reached the lift and left the hotel all together.

Outside was freezing and I knew it wasn't the best weather for tiny shorts, a tight top and a jacket. I regretted not going home last night where I'd be warm but I was a former wild-child who still had the ability to be wild.

I put my hand in my pocket to see if I had any change for a taxi. I ended up taking out a five pound note and hoped it was enough money for me to get to work before ten. I flagged down the nearest taxi, got in and told the driver to take me to Holby General.

Thankfully, I had enough money and handed the driver the five pound note and told him to keep the change. I looked up at the hospital and walked through the front doors and towards reception.

I noticed straight away that we had a new receptionist and I wondered what had happened to TC. Reaching the staff-room, I opened my locker and took out my scrubs, "Late night was it?" I heard Kelsey say and as I turned around, I noticed her lying against the sofa.

I smiled, "Seems like you had a late night."

She told me she'd never drink again and I smirked. I remember having a conversation with Kelsey a few weeks back when she promised never to drink again. Obviously she'd broken that promise otherwise she wouldn't be in this mess now.

"Well, you seemed to have a great night."

"Where do you get your energy from?" She asked me and I shrugged. Fully changed into my scrubs, I shoved my jacket and my mobile phone in my locker and closed the door. I walked towards her, handed her my hand and said with a smile;

"It could be worse. You could have slept with a complete stranger and not even remember his name."

She smirked and I laughed, "You have, haven't you?" She nodded and held my hand as she pulled herself up from the floor. We both walked out of the staff-room and went to work. I slowly began to walk towards the Nurses' station when I saw my father and chewed my lower lip.

"Mornin' dad." I said gently, knowing he'd question where I was last night and why I'd left.

"Aren't you going to ask about Sofia?" He asked and I swallowed hard before answering with an attitude, "How is Sofia?"

"Scared. She didn't know where you were." He replied, "_I _didn't know where you were."

"Well, have you never heard of a telephone?" I swallowed hard. I didn't know where this sudden anger towards my father had come from. Instead, I began to walk away before I said something I'd live to regret. I didn't need me and my father to fall out too.

/

Halfway through my shift, I went to the staff room and took out my mobile phone. I typed in a number I knew of by heart and as the phone rang, I pressed it to my ear.

_"Hello Kathy speaking, how can I help?"_

"Hi." I spoke down the phone, "It's Lauren, Lauren Fairhead. Can I make an appointment to see you please?"

_"Oh what a surprise! I didn't expect to be hearing from you."_

"I know." I swallowed hard, "It's urgent. I didn't know who else to turn too."

_"I've got tomorrow morning, nine-thirty, if that's okay?"_

"That's perfect, thank you." I said with a small smile. As I ended the call, I placed the phone back in my locker and returned to work.

/

Nine hours later, god knows how many patients and injuries and everything else later, I finally finished and I was grateful. I was alone in the staff-room, putting on my jacket when I heard everyone walk into the staff-room.

"Coming to the pub tonight?" Toby asked and I thought for a minute. I knew I should go home to see Sofia but the irresponisble side of me agreed to go to the pub. I needed a drink more than anything.

There was me, Toby, Kelsey and Abs all planning to go to the pub. I linked arms with Toby as we walked there, engaging in small talk along the way. I liked being in Toby, Kelsey and Abs' company, they were great fun!

At the pub, I had one drink followed by another and then another. It wasn't long before I was completely out of it. I saw a cute looking lad at the bar and I stumbled towards him. Leaning against the bar, I smiled; "Hiya sexy."

"Take me home?" I asked him and I heard the man sigh. Before he could say anything, I felt Abs' hand on my arm and heard him whisper in my ear that it was time for me to go home.

"You're not my father." I answered back smugly before he told me, "No I'm not but I am your friend. You've had enough." I didn't do anything. I reluctantly accepted from Abs that I'd had enough to drink and Toby, Kelsey and him all took me home.

I must've fallen asleep in the taxi, my head resting against Toby's shoulder because I could remember being woken up by him. I smiled at him, fell out of the taxi and waved bye to my friends as they left.

Stumbling up the garden path, I reached the front door and knocked on. As the door opened, I made eye contact with my father, smiled softly and fell through the door. Breaking out in hysterics, I struggled to pick myself up off the floor.

"You're drunk." Charlie told me.

"You're observant." I replied. I eventually got back on my feet and stumbled into the living room, falling into the door and the wall whilst breaking out in hysterics. Charlie followed behind me, that look of disappointment on his face.

"Why are you behaving like a child? You're—"

"Fuck off." I answered as I tripped and fell through the coffee table. I heard the glass breaking and I broke the fall with my hands. I continued to laugh despite glass been everywhere. Charlie gripped my arm and pulled me up off the floor, "Sort yourself out Lauren. You're twenty-four, you're a mother."

"Be quiet." I answered back before I fell asleep on the sofa, a smile on my face.

/

I woke, early morning by a little person jumping on me. "Ooft." I groaned as I felt a foot in my stomach. I heard a familiar giggle and I opened my eyes to look at Sofia. I smiled softly at the little girl that was my daughter and suddenly forgot how shit I felt inside.

"Morning Sofia."

"Mummy, mummy, I want pancakes." She said excitedly and kissed my cheek. I smiled softly, leant on my elbows and looked her in the eye.

"You want pancakes? Come on then, we'd best make some pancakes."

"Thank you." She answered as she clambered off me. I was relieved not to have the extra weight on me. I stood up, held my hand out for Sofia when she titled her head at it and said gently, "Mummy, you have a cut hand."

Frowning, I turned my hand palm-side up and stared at it. Sofia was right, I had a cut in my palm and I couldn't remember how I did it. It was only then that I noticed the coffee table was missing.

Sofia held my other hand and dragged me into the kitchen. My father was sat by the table and I said gently, "What happened to the coffee table?"

He didn't bother to make eye contact with me and instead he answered; "Don't you remember?"

"Remember what?" I tried to think about last night but the only thing I could remember was been in the pub. I didn't remember who with, let alone how I'd managed to get home last night.

"You were drunk, you fell through the coffee table."

"I—I was drunk?" I repeated slowly. Drunk, me? Being drunk wasn't like me. Okay I enjoyed a drink but I wasn't the kind of girl to get absolutely rat-arsed that I wouldn't remember the evenings events. Acting like that was out of character, even for me.

"I'm sorry, it—" I began only for him to cut me off, "I'm sick of hearing you're sorry. Prove it to me."

I sighed and nodded. Hopefully seeing Kathy would make me feel better. That woman was an angel in disguise. I made Sofia pancakes, had a slice of toast and a coffee myself then got us both ready.

I dressed Sofia in a yellow dress with a demin jacket, white tights and some sandles. She looked adorable. I wore dark black jeans, a bright pink teeshirt and heels. My feet were too used to heels, I wore them on a daily basis.

Leaving the house with Sofia, I took her to playgroup. I'd found a playground not far from the house, it had an excellent rating and judging by the way Sofia couldn't stop talking about it, I knew I'd made the right decision.

Ringing the doorbell, I knelt down to Sofia's level and told her that Louis would pick her up later and that I'd see her soon. She kissed my cheek before walking through the front door. I smiled at Michelle, the owner of the Nursery and began to walk away.

I noticed Sofia pressed against the glass and I waved to her. I smiled softly as she waved back. I wasn't too happy about the arrangement that Louis would pick up Sofia and look after her until one of us could. I mean, he was a druggie for christ sake.

Sofia didn't need to be introduced to that kind of environment.

/

I sat in the waiting room, nervously flicking through a celeb magazine that I had picked from the table for patients to read. Every waiting room looked the same, sickly yellow with posters of various different things, mostly organizations that said they could help you.

I felt — ashamed perhaps that I wasn't able to deal with this on my own and that I had to rely on her for help again.

"Lauren?" I looked up when I heard my name being called. My therapist Kathy she was called, stood before and I looked at her. Putting my magazine back on the table, I picked up my handbag and began to follow her along the corridor before we reached a small room on the left hand side.

She opened the door and stood aside as I walked into the room. It was plain white with several posters that children had obviously drawn and I sat down on the chair. She sat down in the chair beside me, placed my file on the table and said gently, "It's nice to see you again Lauren."

I smiled, picked up a pebble out of the basket and fiddled with it between my fingers, "Thanks for seeing me Kathy, it's appreciated."

"So what's the problem?"

I paused, "My ex boyfriend died recently. He was twenty-nine. We weren't together long but we had a child together. Well, overnight my life changed. I'm looking after our daughter now, she's three. She's called Sofia."

I made eye contact with her but she said gently, "Go on, I'm listening."

"I'm finding it difficult to cope with being a mother. I love her to pieces, of course I do but—" I paused mid-sentence before I continued, "I'm finding it hard to deal with the emotional demands on being a mother. I mean, I have to find her somewhere to go to nursery, someone to look after her. Not to mention, all the other things I have to do. That's not the only thing."

I dropped the pebble into a basket and picked up another one, "My brother, Louis, you remember Louis don't you? He's—he's started to take drugs."

"And how does that make you feel?"

I continued to fiddle with the pebble in my hand and I glanced up at Kathy again, "How does it make me feel? It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel annoyed and angry and guilty because if I hadn't have used drugs, he wouldn't of either."

"Lauren, you were fifteen. You used drugs for a short period of time. Look at what you've achieved since you stopped."

"But if I hadn't, maybe Louis wouldn't be tempted to do them."

I continued to fiddle with the pebble but Kathy told me I was trying to find excuses for his behaviour. I realised she was right. I could spend all my life blaming myself for every mistake Louis made but really, it wasn't me. I'd made my mistakes and I'd grown up.

"He said I was a drugged-up junkie. For the last two nights all I've done is go out and get drunk. I sleep with strangers and worst of all—"

"Go on." She prompted and I threw the pebble into the basket, "I—I bought some cocaine. I won't take it, it's a comfort thing I guess. I'm just scared that one night I'm going to get completely pissed and I'll fall back into old habits."

Before I knew it, the hour had finished and I left the room with a card with my next appointment on it. I felt better, I felt like everything had been lifted from my shoulders and I was grateful that Kathy was the kind of person to listen and not to judge.

She recommended keeping a diary, I laughed when she suggested it. It reminded me of when I was young, when I kept a diary underneath my pillow with the lock, scribbled rubbish inside and at the end of the year, boxed them up and stuck them in the attic.

I knew the first thing I was doing when I got home. Hunting down my old diaries from my teenage years.

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**jottings** — like it enough to favourite/alert, please review. :3


	12. CHAPTER XII

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**CHAPTER TWELVE.**

"Toby?" I called when I saw him walk past me, his head in a patient's file as usual. There was something about him that made me smile, no matter how rubbish I felt inside. He really was my best friend and I was grateful to have him in my life.

"Yes?" He looked at me intensely before he stepped towards me and rubbed the mascara line down my cheek, "Have you been crying?"

"Yes but that's not important." Our eyes connected for a moment, "Do you have any plans for tonight?"

He closed his patient's file and looked back at me. There was a silence between us before he shook his head, "Nope, nothing. Why do you ask?"

I shrugged, pulled a funny face and muttered; "Do you fancy coming round to mine? For a drink, something to eat? Meet Sofia properly?"

His face broke into a huge grin and he couldn't contain his excitement as he said he'd like that. I smiled softly, "Well, I finish here at six, so maybe we could meet here? If that's okay with you."

"That's fine." There was a silence again as we both stared at each other; "I—I must get back to Mr Daniels."

"Okay, well see you tonight." I told him as I picked up the nearest patient file and turned around. I couldn't help the huge grin that spread across my face and as I walked towards cubicle seven where Annette James was, I couldn't wait until six o'clock.

/

Six o'clock came round quicker than I had anticipated. I felt sick with butterflies flying around my stomach and I couldn't understand why I was so nervous. Toby was a friend, _just _a friend. There was no need to feel like this, right?

Right.

I swallowed hard as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to smooth it down and eventually with a little bit of water, it did. Dabbing my finger in some lip balm, I ran my finger over my lips before checking myself out once again.

Satisfied with how I looked, I put my lip balm in my bag and put it over my shoulder. Leaving the bathroom, I began to walk towards the exit. Getting outside, I saw Toby nervously waiting, leaning against the wall, checking his watch.

"Are you timing me?" I asked him with a smile.

He turned to me and smiled back, "No, I thought you'd stood me up."

"Now why would I do a thing like that?" I asked as I linked arms with him. As we walked towards mine, I told him we'd have the house to ourselves as my father and Louis were on some camping trip. It was something to do with father-son bonding but I had a feeling it wouldn't work.

Along the way, I picked up Sofia from Nursery. She was playing outside with her friends, jumping up and down in the muddy puddles. She saw me and Toby and she ran towards the gate, a big smile upon her face.

"Mummy!" She shrieked and jumped up and down, "Toby!"

Collecting the drawings and models she'd created today, she began to tell us what she'd done at Nursery, "Miss shouted at me today." She told us and jumped into a puddle beside Toby, splashing him with dirty water.

"Why?"

"Because Luke hit me and I hit him back." Inside I felt quite proud that Sofia had stuck up for herself but I knew hitting them back wasn't good. Two wrongs didn't make a right.

"Well, you should tell your teacher if somebody hurts you." I told her gently and she stuck out her bottom lip and told me that she would. I turned to Toby, made eye contact with him and smiled gently, "I didn't teach her to hit them back."

A little voice piped up at the side of us, "No, daddy did." I laughed. That was Ethan all over. Sofia grabbed my hand and then Toby's and we continued to walk towards the house. Reaching the front door, I took my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the door.

Sofia walked in first, wiped her feet on the doormat and walked to the stairs. She sat down on the first step and took off her welly boots before walking up the stairs. Closing the door behind me, I locked the door and placed the keys on the table.

"The living room's on your left, make yourself at home." I told Toby. He did just that and I followed him into the living room and sat down on the sofa beside him. I rested my head on his shoulder for a moment, "What do you want to eat?"

"You choose I don't mind."

I smiled, he had to be bloody awkward, "Pizza? I fancy pizza. Is that okay?"

Before he could answer back, we both heard loud thuds on the stairs and a figure appeared at the door. Sofia had a blanket and several teddies, all of which were mine and she dragged them into the living room.

"Play with me Toby." She told Toby as she walked into the middle of the living room and dropped them on the floor. I removed my head from his shoulder and he got up off the sofa and knelt down on the floor in front of Sofia.

"What shall we play?"

/

I left Toby and Sofia alone as I went to the kitchen to pick up the takeaway menus. Opening the draw, I found some pizza menus and took them back into the living room. Putting them on the sofa, I asked Toby where he wanted to get them from.

"Dominos?" He asked and I nodded. Dominos pizza was the best, "What kind of pizza?"

"There's this really gorgeous one, meatilicious it's called. Have it with stuffed crust and it's like heaven."

"I guess that's us sorted then." I laughed as I turned to Sofia, "Would you like a Cheese pizza?"

"Yes please mummy." She told me and I picked up the yellow pages, the telephone and walked into the kitchen. Dialing the number for Dominos, I ordered the pizza's and after been told it would fifteen minutes, I put the phone on the counter and walked upstairs.

Reaching Louis' bedroom, I knew where he kept his money and I opened his bottom draw. Sure enough, there was several tens and twenty pounds notes and I took two twenty pound notes, rolled them up and stuck them in my bra.

It was then that I decided to get the diaries out of the loft. Perhaps Toby and I could read them after we'd eaten.

I didn't like the attic, in fact it was the worst place ever. It was full of dust and damp, not to mention the spiders and other bugs. Just the thought of what was up there sent a shiver down my spine. I discovered my dairies in a box, it was amongst all my mother's stuff, the stuff dad couldn't bare to throw away.

Opening the box, I took out the first diary I saw and looked at the front. It read on the black cover, Lauren Fairhead, aged thirteen. I smiled to myself as I flicked open the first page and looked at the date of the first entry, _1st January 1996._

_New year. Or as people say, a new start. Who in the new year makes a new start? They don't. They just say they will. I'll be going back to school in six days. Six days until I have to see Emma and her gang again. Emma's lovely without the others, it's only when she's with Jennifer and Samantha that she turns into a right bitch. A harsh thing to know but I don't deserve the abuse I recieve. _

_O__kay, I'm not pretty and I am a bit of a geek but I still don't deserve to be abused on a daily basis. I always come top of the class and I really don't know how, I guess I'm just blessed with my mother's brains. We've got to think about GCSE's when we come back from the christmas holidays as we will be starting them in September. I haven't really thoght about what I want to do. I don't know what to do for a career either. I know my mother is hoping I become a Doctor like her but I don't know if I have the personality to be one of those. Then again, life is constantly changing. I might become a Doctor one day. Anyway, I best go. I can hear mum shouting up the stairs, no doubt I'm in trouble again. Over&out, Renee. xx_

Putting the diary back in the box, I shuffled the box towards the entrance of the loft and dropped it down. As it hit the floor, all the diaries fell out and I hoped there was nothing breakable hidden in the box.

Climbing down the steps, I closed the loft hutch and put the box back the right way up. Then I began to put the diaries back inside before I called down the stairs, "Toby, I need your help."

He appeared at the bottom of the stairs and he looked at me, a confused expression on his face, "What's the box for?"

"Well, I need to sort a few things out. Would you help me?"

He said okay and walked up the stairs. I told him to be careful as he picked up the box and walked down the stairs. Just as I said I didn't want him to fall down, he lost his footing and fell down, lying in a crumpled heap at the bottom amongst my diaries.

"Oof." I heard him mutter, sit up and rub his back. I stood at the top of the stairs laughing at the way he'd slid down the stairs on his bottom. I knew he'd hate me for laughing but I knew he'd laugh if it was me who'd gone down the stairs feet first.

"Are you okay?" I asked him. He looked up the stairs and answered he was whilst I struggled to contain my laughter. Tonight had only just started and it was already making me feel better.

* * *

**jottings **— i've found another song to fit Toby/Lauren. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please review. :3


	13. CHAPTER XIII

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**CHAPTER THIRTEEN.**

After we'd finished eating, I told Sofia that it was time for bed. She stuck her bottom lip out and folded her arms across her chest when I told her to tidy up. After those puppy dog eyes, I ended up giving in to her and said that she can keep the den up.

I took her to bed, tucked her up and bent down to kiss her forehead, "Night Sofia."

"Night mummy." She whispered as she grabbed her teddy and hugged it tightly, "Tell Toby night too."

I said I would, left the bedside lamp on for her and walked towards the door. Pulling the door too, I breathed a sigh of relief that Toby and I would be alone and went back downstairs. As I reached the living room door, I walked in to find Toby sat next to the cardboard box.

"You're eager." I said with a smile and sat down next to him, "Basically what's in this box are memories, mainly my diaries."

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Bless him I thought. He was so considerate. I nodded, "I have to do this."

He picked up the first diary. On the front read Lauren Fairhead, aged twelve. I told him I didn't need that one, the diaries of importance were those when I was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, eighteen and twenty-one. He nodded and found one from when I was fifteen. He turned several pages and began to read out one of the entries.

/

_March 15th 1998 — __I fell in love today. He's called Scott, he's lovely. He's older than me so dad won't approve. He's such a gentleman. He's Shayna's cousin, he's nineteen. He took me bowling, I enjoyed it even though I was beaten. He says I'm the prettiest girl he's ever seen. I think he's amazing. ~Renee. xx_

"Bless, cute little Lauren in love." He said and I laughed, my cheeks turning a deep red colour.

_May 23rd 1998 — Scott isn't as nice as I thought. We had an argument today. He, he scared me. He hit me across the face because I told him I didn't think he was been fair on me. He apologised, he told me it wouldn't happen again. I should leave, I know I should but I can't. He's got me stranded. ~Renee. xx_

Toby closed the diary and looked at me. He could tell there were tears in my eyes and he placed the diary beside him. With a soft smile upon his lips, he grabbed my hand and asked softly, "What happened to you?"

"Nothing." I said gently, feeling the warmth of his hand on my own, "Nothing happened."

He didn't open the diary again. I was grateful. An diary entry for _June 28th _would've shocked him.

_June 28th 1998 — I spent a night in St James'. Scott sold me to his friends for sex. Only they didn't shag me. No, they beat the shit out of me. I broke several ribs but I was lucky, mostly just cuts and bruises. Now, I have to think about a good excuse to why I got in this state in the first place. I think I might say a girl gang, my parents won't know it's a lie. My parent's don't really know anything anymore. ~Renee. xx_

/

Finally, we sorted through all the diaries. Out of fourteen diaries, I only kept five. The years that meant the most to me. The rest I put back in the cardboard box to put outside for the binmen to take away. Placing the diaries in year order underneath the bookcase, I noticed Toby watching me.

"What?" I asked with a smile.

"Something happened to you didn't it? You wrote about it in one of your diaries."

"Drop it Toby, please." There was a silence and for a moment I thought he had shut up but he hadn't. He was just thinking about what he'd read so far in the diaries. I could tell his mind was probably playing overtime.

"I thought you could talk to me?" He asked and I snapped;

"Yes Toby, I can fucking talk to you. It doesn't mean I want you to know every little detail about my sordid little life, thanks."

I saw the flicker of hurt in his eyes and I felt guilty. He was only been a friend. Taking his hand in mine, I whispered that I was sorry. He looked up at me, touched my cheek and asked why I couldn't talk to him. If only he knew the truth, I answered to myself as he gently stroked my cheek.

/

He continued to stroke my cheek and he opened his mouth to speak, "Lauren?"

I pressed my finger to his lips. I didn't want him to say anything. Instead, I removed my finger from his lips and kissed him. He didn't respond and I broke the kiss, terrified that I'd misread the signals.

"Wow." He said slowly, "I wasn't expecting that."

"Sorry." I answered back, staring at the floor. Carefully, he put his fingers underneath my chin and lifted it up so I made eye contact with him. Then, he kissed me back. I closed my eyes and couldn't believe he was kissing me! Surely this couldn't be happening.

Pulling back, I stared at him in the eye. He caressed my cheek again before asking, "What are you scared off?"

Scared off? I'm scared of trust, love, commitment, rejection and everything else in this life. "I'm scared of finding someone worth loving and—"

"Go on?" He prompted and removed his hand from my cheek, "Tell me."

He held my hand, our fingers entwined together and I rested my head on his shoulder, "I'm scared of being rejected."

He didn't say anything for a minute before he kissed the top of my head, "Well I won't reject you." He said. I didn't say anything, all I did was look at him, kiss him again more passionately and stood up.

"What are you doing?"

"You'll find out." I answered with a glint in my eye and I pulled him up off the floor and dragged him up the stairs towards the spare bedroom. As we got there, I pushed him inside the room and closed the door behind us. Pushing him onto the bed, I straddled him and began to kiss him.

/

"Jesus." I lay back on the bed, trying to slow my breathing. Toby may be shy but he was definitely a tiger in the bedroom — if you get my drift.

"Wow." Was all he could mutter and I smirked, "Best you ever had?"

He smiled but didn't say a word. In protest, I hit his arm before leaning my head on his chest. As he ran his fingers through my hair, he kissed the top of my head and whispered, "Goodnight Lauren."

"Goodnight Toby." I whispered and closed my eyes. I couldn't stop the smile upon my face as I fell asleep, Toby's arms around my body.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	14. CHAPTER XIV

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**CHAPTER FOURTEEN.**

I woke up early morning, the space beside me empty. Just as I thought he'd done a runner, I heard the gentle running of water from the bathroom next to the bedroom. With a soft smile, I sat up and got out of bed, wrapping the duvet around me.

I walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom where I closed the door and said gently, "May I join you?"

/

After the shower, both of us feeling refreshed and _eager _to begin work, Sofia woke up. Seeing Toby, she immediately ran over to him and jumped on him. I smiled softly happy at the close bond the two already had. Now Toby and I were _seeing _each other, I was glad Sofia trusted him as much as me.

We had breakfast as a family. Sofia refused to eat her cereal unless Toby gave her a piggy back all the way to Nursery and eventually, with persuasion Toby agreed. At half seven, I locked the front door and began to leave the house, slowly walking behind Toby and Sofia.

"Mummy?"

"Yes Sofia?"

There was a silence, "Do you love Toby?"

I blushed. Little one's just came out with their questions, "I don't know sweetie."

"Do you like Toby?"

"Of course I do, do you Sofia?"

She nodded and answered back, "Yes! Toby gives the best cuddles."

I laughed and at about five-two eight, we got to the Nursery. Toby bent down so Sofia could get off his back, gave us both a kiss and ran off towards Michelle. I told her to be good and she disappeared indoors. I turned to Toby, smiled and extended my hand out.

/

He took my hand in his and we began to walk towards work. As we got nearer, I suddenly pulled my hand away from his. He looked a bit confused and upon seeing the Hospital closer in view, he laughed; "Are you embarrassed by me?"

"No." I answered truthfully. I wasn't ashamed of him, I just didn't want everyone to know my business just yet, "I don't want everyone to know we're together. I want us to get to know each other before those lot start questioning us."

"Fair enough." He told me and kissed the tip of my nose, "You first or me?"

"I'm not bothered." He kissed me softly and left. Five minutes later, I walked into the hospital and towards the staff room. I changed into my scrubs, placed all my things into my locker and ran my hands through my hair.

And all day, Toby and I didn't cross paths let alone speak.

/

I was sat minding my own business, trying to work out how much medication to give to a patient when I heard Kelsey ask, "Are you shagging Toby?"

She choose the moment to ask when I'd taken a mouthful of coffee and I spluttered it all over the worktop, "Excuse me? Do you mind using such vulgar terminology."

"Are you though?" I grabbed a couple of tissues and stared at her in the eye, "No Kelsey, I'm not—in your terms _shagging _Toby. We're friends."

"Well you looked pretty close this morning." She answered back, "S'all I'm saying."

"Well don't. If I have anything exciting to tell that I'd like the rest of the hospital to know. For example, who I might be having sex with. I'll let everyone knows myself. Thank you for your concern though." I replied back and stormed off. Sometimes the people I had to put up with drove me insane.

/

A few hours after mine and Kelsey's little disagreement, I decided to go for a break. Turning on the kettle, I stared at it deep in thought when a pair of arms snaked around my waist.

"Someone will catch us!" I told him as he kissed my neck.

"Let them." He answered back and I closed my eyes. I couldn't even begin to describe to you how I felt with Toby. It felt so natural, almost like we were meant to be together. I giggled as he whispered something in my ear.

"Don't stop on my account." Both of us turned around, our eyes falling on Maggie. I found myself blushing, embarrassed at being caught. He told me he'd best get back to work, kissed my cheek and left Maggie and I alone.

"Want one?" I asked and nodded towards the kettle.

"Please." She answered then there was silence, "So how long?"

"What? Toby and I? Oh, not long."

"Kept that quiet didn't you?" She told me and I answered back; "Well next time, I'll put a billboard outside the hospital. You know, to keep the staff informed and give them something to gossip about on their tea breaks?"

I made us both a cup of coffee and handed one to Maggie, "Anyway enough about my relationship, what's about you and my father?"

"There's nothing going on between me and your father."

I laughed, blew on my coffee a little and took a sip, "Yes there is and you've got to be blind not to see it. Honestly, I should bang your heads together. I mean, you and my father aren't getting any younger and you're wasting precious time denying you love each other."

"Lauren!" She told me and I was silent for two minutes, "What? You know it's true."

"But—" Maggie began but I cut her off, "No buts. You and my father are perfect for each other. You're both single, there's no problem. Louis likes you, I like you, my father loves you and if my mother was still alive, you'd be the perfect candidate I reckon."

There was nothing else spoken as we drank our coffee's in silence.

/

Standing up after ten minutes, I walked towards the sink and washed out my cup. Leaving it on the side, I turned back to Maggie and smiled gently, "Think about what I said. You know about my father and you. You only get one chance with life, never have regrets."

I frowned at myself and started to laugh, "Jesus! I'm sounding proper looney." I smiled, left the staff room and was about to get back to treating patients when I heard the familiar ring tone of my mobile phone.

Picking up the phone, I stared at the number and noticed that Sofia's Nursery were ringing. Accepting the phone call, I pressed the phone to my ear and began to walk outside, "Hello?"

_"Oh hello, is that Lauren?"_

"Yes it's Lauren. Is everything okay?"

_"Lauren, it's Emily. Sofia's not feeling very well. She's got a temperature and she's been sick a few times. I'm ringing to ask if you could come and pick her up?"_

I glanced at my watch. I only had two hours left on my shift and they were busy and they needed me. However, if Sofia was ill, I had to go. I always worried she'd die from catching a common cold or bug or something.

"Of course, I'll be with you in the next half an hour."

As I put the phone down, I put it back in my pocket and walked back inside. As I tried to find Tess to let her know I had to pick up Sofia from Nursery, I found myself worrying that it was something serious. I thought it was me been a typical overprotective mother but I was wrong.

There was something wrong with Sofia, something serious.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3 apologises for it being a short chapter, i will make it up i promise.


	15. CHAPTER XV

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**CHAPTER FIFTEEN**.

I picked up Sofia from Nursery as quick as I could. She was quite hot and I sat her in the front of the car, the window open hoping it would bring her temperature down. She threw up twice on the journey home in an ASDA carrier bag.

I swallowed hard, glancing over at her every minute or so as I drove towards our home.

"Sofia darling, where does it hurt?"

"My tummy, my tummy hurts."

I didn't want to panic her or myself even more but I was certain she had an appendicitis. Pulling the car into a side street, I turned it around and drove in the opposite direction towards the hospital.

If it was, it could turn out serious. Death was the worst case scenario but I was being ridiculous. I always worried myself to the point of absolute panic. Sofia threw up again and I touched her forehead but she was still burning up.

"Where's the pain in your tummy Sofia?"

"Here." She pointed above her belly button and I knew it was her appendix. Reaching the hospital, I pulled into a parking space, turned off the engine and got out of the car. Then, I moved to the passenger side, picked up Sofia, locked the car and walked into reception.

"This is Sofia, three years old. Complaining of severe abdominal pain, has a fever and has been vomiting." I said as I reached Resus and lay her down on the bed. Our fingers laced with each other as I told her she was going to be okay, mummy's friends would take care off her.

/

"It's appendicitis." Ruth told me as she scribbled something down on Sofia's notes. I nodded my head and looked at Sofia. She was feeling sleepy after being given some morphine to manage the pain and I ran my hand through her brown locks.

"So what's going to happen? Will she have surgery or intravenous antibiotics?"

There was a silence and I sighed; "Doctor Winters?" She still didn't answer me and I rolled my eyes, she was rude and I couldn't stand her. I looked at the monitor and noticed that Sofia's pulse was slower than normal.

"Doctor Winters?" I said again but she seemed to be distracted by something on Sofia's notes. A couple of seconds later, Sofia began fitting and I stood back as Ruth called for help and tried to get her to stop fitting.

"What happened?" Toby asked as he walked in.

"She just started fitting." Ruth started and I could tell she was shaken by something.

"She's had too much morphine." I answered. It didn't seem a concidence that she was given morphine then all of a sudden felt drowsy and her pulse got slower and then began to fit. I'd seen a Morphine overdose in a child before and Sofia mirrored it. I knew Ruth had given her too much morphine.

Toby looked at me and then Ruth, "I didn't. I requested zero point five of morphine."

Once she was stabilised, I looked at Toby and Ruth and I answered; "Morphine overdose is quick. Almost immediately, Sofia felt sleepy then her pulse became weak and then she began to fit. Look, don't believe me but I know Doctor Winters didn't give Sofia the correct dose."

"Mummy?" She grabbed my hand and I took her hand. With a smile, I kissed her forehead and told her that she was been a very brave girl. She caught sight of Toby and she reached her other hand out, "Toby?"

He smiled softly and walked over to the bed where he bent down and kissed Sofia's forehead. I smiled softly, grateful that I'd found someone who loved Sofia as much as he loved me.

/

Kelsey and TC were stood by the reception desk, looking at the Resus room and the scene in front of them.

"I'm telling you there's something going on between those two."

TC frowned, "Why because he knows her daughter?"

"Not only that, look how close they are. I bet you twenty quid something's going on."

He was silent for a moment before extending his hand, "Twenty quid? Well I want some proof."

"Deal."

/

Sofia had to go for an operation to remove her appendix. I explained to her that she had a poorly tummy so she had to have some special medicine to go to sleep so the Doctors could take it away.

The procedure only took forty-five munites and I sat outside the operation theatre, tiddling my thumbs. When she was taken back to the ward, I sat down beside her and waited for the anaesthetic to wear off. I rested my head on the edge of her bed and closed my eyes before falling asleep.

/

Sofia woke up, my head still on the side of the bed and she ran her fingers through my hair. Feeling it, I opened my eyes and lifted my head up. Sofia was awake, a huge smile on her face and I smiled brightly back.

"How do you feel?"

"Better." She smiled and grabbed my hand. There was nothing spoken for a minute as she played with the ring on my finger. She looked towards the end of the bed to see Toby stood there with a massive teddy bear. She giggled, "Is that mine?"

He nodded, walked towards the bed and handed it to her. She giggled and whispered, "Thank you."

She puckered up her lips and kissed his cheek, "What's his name?"

"He doesn't have one, you can call him whatever you want." Toby told her before he found another chair and sat beside me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as I looked at the teddy, he brought for her and turned to him,

"You didn't have too."

"I know." He kissed me softly, "I wanted too."

"Can I call him Toby?" Sofia asked, breaking our conversation. I turned to look at Sofia and nodded, "If you want too." She wrapped her arms around the teddy again and hugged it tightly.

/

"Toby?"

"Hmm." He said as he rested his head against my shoulder, "Have you made any plans for tomorrow? You know, seeing as it's your day off?"

"No, why?" He lifted his head up and looked at me. It was only then that he noticed Sofia had fallen asleep. He stood up and gently tucked the blanket over her before sitting down again.

"Well, Sofia and I are going shopping. I was wondering—" I paused, "Would you like to come with us?"

He smiled and kissed the end of my nose, "I'd love too." As I rested my head on his shoulder, I smiled softly. Everything was good, everything was amazing but I knew no matter how good it was, the bad was just around the corner. It was just how life worked.

* * *

**jottings — **if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please review.


	16. CHAPTER XVI

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**CHAPTER SIXTEEN**.

The next morning Sofia was discharged after seven and we both went home to change. I gave Sofia a bath, had a shower myself then looked out of the bedroom window to see what the weather looked like.

It seemed nice outside so I dressed Sofia into a red polka dot dress with sandles and a red cardigan and myself into a white maxi-dress also with sandles and a little demin jacket. We sat in the living room, waiting for Toby to arrive as he said he would.

We'd just settled down to watch Peppa Pig when there was a knock at the door, "Toby!" Sofia shouted as she jumped of the settee and ran towards the door. I got up off the sofa myself, walked to the door and unlocked it.

The moment she saw Toby, Sofia ran into his arms, snaking her arms around his middle. I smiled at sight! Bless, Toby was definitely popular with her. I left the two by the front door as I returned to the living room, grabbed everything I needed and turned off the television.

/

"I need your helping picking a flat." I told him as we walked along the street. I held Toby's hand whilst Sofia clutched his other free hand with her own. She was skipping along happily, a huge smile on her face as she looked at the houses we were passing.

"Okay." He said genly, "I didn't know you were moving?"

I nodded. I did always say that once I'd got Sofia back, I'd look for somewhere to stay. The reason was, it wasn't ideal for us to live in cramped living conditions, nor was it fair for Sofia to notice that Louis and I were no longer getting on and the atmosphere was tense between us.

"Yeah, home isn't exactly great at the moment." I told him, "Talking of which, how are you finding it living with Maggie?"

"It's great yeah she's lovely."

I laughed and nudged him playfully, "Got a soft spot for her have we?"

"No give over." He answered back and kissed me lightly on the lips. As I kissed him back, a little voice beside us voiced her disgust at us kissing and as we broke apart; Toby and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Anyway, I don't think my father would appreciate it if you took his woman off him."

"There's something going on between Charlie and Maggie?"

I laughed, "Don't tell me you didn't know?" I noticed he actually looked confused so I continued, "Well, I use the term very loosely. They like, love each other whatever you want to call it. However, neither of them do anything about it."

"Why?"

I shrugged, "Louis and I, I think. I mean, mum's been dead almost four years and I know Maggie's never going to replace her. She is however, making dad happy and that's all that matters. They think Louis and I are going to be upset but we're not. Well, I'm not. I don't know about Louis do I?"

"How did your mum die?"

I was silent for a minute before I squeezed his hand, "Car crash. She was brain-dead, on life support for a week until my father decided to switch off her life support machine. It was my fault, I—"

I paused, unable to speak the rest as there was a lump in the back of my throat. Toby must've sensed it because he smiled softly at me and gave my hand a reasurring squeeze. I really don't know what I'd do without him sometimes.

/

We were stood outside the flat waiting for the estate agent because we were early. The outside was beautiful, quiet, close to town. I was excited to see what the inside looked like.

"Miss Fairhead?" An older man, tall, a bit plump with grey hair stood in front of me and I smiled, "Yes."

"Shall we go inside?" I nodded, clutched Sofia's hand and followed the agent into the building.

/

We went inside the flat and I looked around. I could tell instantly that the flat needed decorating as the decor was dated. Sofia began to run in and out of the empty rooms and I smiled as it was obvious she liked the space.

"I like it, it's big." She told me and I found the smile on my lips growing bigger. I walked towards the kitchen and entered a large open space. I was impressed as despite the hallway been dated, the kitchen was modern and up to date.

"Toby, come and have a look at this."

He walked into the kitchen and told me how nice it looked. I took his hand and dragged him into the living room. There was a balcony at the front which showed a beautiful view over the city and I knew, in that split second that I wanted this flat.

Sofia ran into the room and with a large grin she asked; "Mummy, can we live here?"

I nodded my head, "Yes sweerheart, we can live here."

I looked around the room again, made eye contact with the estate agent and said gently, "I'd like to take the flat, please."

/

After agreeing to rent the flat, I had arranged a meeting to meet the estate agent next week. Toby and I took Sofia for something to eat at a small cafe in town and decided to get something to eat.

I ordered Sofia a ham, cheese and tomato sandwich and Toby and I ordered a chicken and bacon panini. I didn't really eat mine, instead I picked the edge of the sandwich, playing with it whilst telling Sofia she had to eat all hers.

"What's wrong?" Toby asked and I forced a smile, "Nothing."

He rose an eyebrow and touched my arm, "There is now tell me."

I sighed, broke off a piece of bread and ate it, "Talking about mum earlier made me realise how much I miss her. Sometimes, I wish she was still around for advice and stuff because half of the time, I don't know what the hell I'm doing."

"About what?"

"Life. Everything. You know, when I doubt my abilities as a mother, I want her to tell me I'm doing it right. It sounds stupid doesn't it? It's alright, you can laugh." I told him and continued to push my food around the plate.

He took my hand in his, "You are a brilliant mother. Look at Sofia, she's happy and healthy and she has you to thank for that."

He kissed me softly, "Stop worrying. Trust me, you're amazing." I smiled softly and looked down at the plate of food. I pushed it to the side of table, losing my appetite and no longer wanting to pick at it.

I happened to catch a look at the clock and seeing that I had twenty minutes until my appointment, I asked Toby if he could look after Sofia for an hour and that I'd be back as soon as I could. I didn't give him chance to reply, kissed him softly and left the table.

/

I was seeing Kathy today. In a way I was glad I was but in another way, I wasn't because I always did something stupid afterwards. Toby didn't know about the sessions with Kathy yet. I wasn't planning on telling him anytime soon either.

No, I didn't want him to think his girlfriend was a headcase thanks.

"So how are you?" She asked and like last time, I picked up a pebble out of the basket and began to fiddle with it.

"I'm good. I'm kind of seeing someone at the moment, he's called Toby, he's an F2 too." I bit my lower lip slightly, "I've found a lovely flat for me and Sofia, it's beautiful and I'm really excited."

"That's good." Kathy smiled and there was a pause, "There's something you're holding back."

"Oh so you're psychic now are you?" I smirked, "I miss my mother. Every time I look at Sofia and I feel I'm doing something wrong, I wish she was there to help me or give me advice or something. You know, what I'm trying to say don't you?"

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and she pushed the tissues towards me. With a weak smile, I took a tissue out of the box and drabbed my eyes.

"Dad doesn't talk about her, it's like she doesn't exist. I know deep down he misses her but—" I paused, "I wish he couldn't treat me or Louis as children. I want to talk about my feelings and how I miss mum to him but every time I mention her, he changes the subject."

The hour quickly came round and I left the room with another appointment card for the same time next week. I felt worse so to speak leaving the room but I knew it would take time to start feeling better again.

/

I didn't go home to Sofia or Toby. No, the first thing I did when I got out of there was dial a number I knew off by heart. I pressed the phone to my ear and walked down the alleyway as I waited for the person on the other end of the phone to answer.

_"Mr X."_

I smiled, I couldn't understand the names of drug dealers, especially Mr X.

"X, it's Renee. I want a hundred grams of Mephedrone, I've got cash. Meet behind Cash Converters in five, yeah?"

_"Cash converters? Are you being fuckin' serious. What happened to your place?"_

"My family, dumb nuts." I laughed as I hung up the phone. As I put my phone back in my handbag, I began to make my way into town. As I said I would, I got to Cash Converters in five minutes and he was stood there, hood up and hands in his pocket.

I walked up to him and punched him playfully in the arm, "Oi. Long time no speak."

I handed him hundred pounds for the hundred grams and he placed the packet in my handbag.

"Pleasure doing business with you." He said and went to walk away. I grabbed his arm and he looked at me. I pushed him into the wall and slid my hand down the front of his trousers, "It looks suspicious doesn't it? Me and you in the alley, over in two minutes?"

He smirked and kissed me, "You were always a dirty whore."

"But I was _your_ dirty whore." I told him as he turned around so my back was pressing against the wall. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around my waist as he began to suck on my neck.

* * *

**jottings** — i want to take this opportunity to thank all the people who keep reviewing, seriously, this story wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for you guys. thanks for all the reviews, the favourites, and the alerts. i'm still amazed at how popular this story is. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please _review _D:.


	17. CHAPTER XVII

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**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN**.

After we finished and he left me, I left dirty and ashamed. I'd cheated on Toby, the person who meant the world to me with _him_. My drug dealer. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This was a big mess. As I brushed my hair down with my hands and adjusted my clothes, I opened my handbag and stared at the packet of white powder he'd given me.

For that, it was worth it.

Leaving the alley, I tried to look as normal as possible not to arouse suspicion but my heart was beating furiously in my chest. I was petrified the police would stop me with one of these rountine searches. I didn't go home, I went to the pub. That place was like a second home to me.

I placed my handbag on the bar, sat down on the stool and smiled politely at the bartender, "Hi, can I have a vodka and orange please?"

He handed me my glass and I handed him the right change and took a straw. As I took a sip of the drink, I was nervous! Well, more than nervous. Necking my drink in one, I grabbed my handbag and went into the toilets.

Closing the cubicle door but not locking it, I pulled down the toilet seat and knelt down on the floor. Opening my handbag, I poured out a bit of the powder and grabbed my credit card. Making four lines with the powder, I took out a ten pound note and rolled it up.

Taking a deep breath, I snorted the first two lines before the door opened.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

I put down the ten pound note, rubbed my nose and turned around. The bartender was stood there with a smirk on his face and I really wanted to finish the last two lines. When I didn't answer, he spoke again; "What's stopping me from calling the police."

Now it was my turn to smirk, "Well, you can have the last two lines or this." I told him as I reached for his belt.

/

As he zipped up his trousers, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

"You're not going to tell the police are you?" He didn't answer, he just left me alone in the toilets. I snorted the final two lines, snorted the residue left and stared at the bag I had in my handbag. I put everything back in my handbag and left the toilets.

As quickly as I snorted the drug, I began to feel the effects. I was more alert about my surroundings and I left more confident. I was beginning to like this drug! In a way the feelings were similar to those of cocaine. I sat down at the bar and ordered another vodka and orange.

/

I couldn't remember most of the evening or how I'd ended up in the alley. I took a few more grams of meph but I wasn't enjoying the effects of this. I sat in the alley finding it really difficult to breathe and I was too warm. Not to mention, I kept feeling sick and had the worst headache known to man.

_(i'm going to kill you.) _I looked down the alleyway to see a man with a knife and I stood up and began to run. I didn't want to die! I was too young to die! I kept running and every time I looked behind me, he was there, waving a large steel knife at me.

I ran straight into a lampost and as I hugged it, tears streaming down my face, I looked behind me.

But he was gone. The man with the knife had disappeared.

/

I'm running in a field, tripping over branches and falling on my hands and knees. I'm covered head to toe in grazes, cuts and bruises and my whole body stings. I clutch at the dirt, screaming at the top of my voice being chased by my demons.

The man with the knife. My ex was the man with the knife.

There's voices. They're whispering I'm going to die.

Death. Death scares me, haunts me. I scream, fall to the floor and begin to cry as death comes a step closer to me.

/

Death is coming.

/

I can't fight it.

/

Screaming, fighting, kicking. Clawing desperately at the mud with broken nails. Smashing my head repeatedly against the floor, scratching the top of my arms as the demons reach me. My hands around my throat, trying to strangle myself.

Struggling to breath. Losing consciousness. Dying, dying, dying.

/

Somehow I escaped — I ran to the nearest house I find and knock on the door. I need to go home but I didn't know where the hell I am! I heard the door unlock and I could feel myself shaking through the fear and the cold.

The door opens and through my tears I said, "You've got to help me."

"Lauren?" I heard my name being called and I looked up. Stood before me was Harry and I was relieved to see a friendly face.

/

I was sat in the kitchen at the large dining table. I was covered head to toe in cuts and bruises and blood. Harry knelt before me and gently began to clean the wound on my left palm.

"This might sting." He said gently and pressed the antiseptic wipe to the cut. I didn't flinch as I couldn't feel the pain. I was numb. He didn't say anything and it was quiet. If you dropped something small, you'd hear it; that's how quiet it was.

"I still think you should—" He began.

"No." Until that point I was transfixed on the wallpaper, "I'm not going to hospital."

He sighed and began to clean up my cuts. I wasn't going to lie, in that moment of time I was scared. More than scared, I was petrified that my own mind was going to kill me. And all because I'd done drugs, stupid right?

"Who did this to you?" He asked eventually and I sighed.

"I did it." I answered, "All this, it's self-inflicted."

"You don't expect me to believe that do you?"

"You can believe what you like, it's true." I answered back, "I took Mephedrone, it's an illegal drug. I — well, I hallucinated about things that weren't real. I did this to myself because I thought it was them possessing my body."

"Is that why you don't want to go to hospital?"

I began to laugh before holding the left side of my ribs, "Harry, this drug will show up in my system. I'm a Doctor, I'll be struck off. I can't not to be a Doctor, you understand that don't you?"

He nodded, didn't say another word and carried on cleaning up my wounds. I knew he'd tell my father, I wasn't looking forward to that part because I knew my father would go mental. Both Louis and I on drugs. I couldn't help but feel _slightly _sorry for my father.

* * *

**jottings — **my knowledge on drugs is practically none existant, all my information on mephedrone comes from _doctor google _and _doctor frank_. if it's wrong or whatever, don't be afraid to let me now. like always, if you enjoy the chapter,** leave a review**;3

i was supposed to update this yesterday but i was distracted by _the governor _a wonderful production by lynda la plante.


	18. CHAPTER XVIII

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**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**.

I held the cup of tea in my hands and smiled slightly. I didn't like tea, I prefered coffee but tea was good for shock. As I took a sip, I looked around the kitchen before placing the cup down on the table.

"Promise me you won't tell my father."

Harry was silent and I grabbed his hand, "Please. If you tell him it'll destroy him."

He was silent again and I silently prayed he wouldn't tell him. He didn't need me being childish and taking drugs and doing everything I could to ruin my life again. He forgive me the first time, I don't think he'd forgive me the second time.

Harry agreed to keep silent and I thanked him and finished my cup of tea. He told me I could stay the night but I didn't really want too. Reluctantly, I agreed. I didn't want an argument, I knew I had plenty of those to come in the morning.

/

I woke with a stiff neck. I rubbed my hand up and down the back of my neck and sighed. As I noticed my surroundings I realised that I was in my own bedroom. The events of last night came back to me and I sighed.

I knew Harry had broken my trust! He must've because I had no idea how I ended up back here. I threw the duvet off me and looked down at the clothes I was wearing. They were the same clothes I was wearing last night!

I left the bedroom and walked down the stairs. My father was sat at the table, flicking through the newspaper as always and I sighed deeply;

"Where's Sofia?"

He looked up, made eye contact with me for a moment and answered; "So you remember you have a daughter?"

I glared at him from the doorway, "Of course! Now where is she?"

"Maggie said she'll look after her for a few days until you get yourself sorted."

Get myself sorted! It was going to take more than a few days to sort myself out; "Look! I never ask to be part of Sofia's life! I _didn't _want her! It was Maggie's bright flamin' idea to get involved. So she can pick up the pieces!"

"You're being selfish."

"Oh, I'm selfish am I? No, I'm not. If anyone was being selfish in this situation it was you and Maggie! You made me feel like I had to have my daughter. I was happy to let her go with Emily."

"You should've thought about that before you jumped into bed then shouldn't you?"

I laughed! He had no right to say that, "You know what dad, you're not perfect! You completely screwed over mum, dragged up Louis and I and fucked up my whole life. You wonder why Louis hates you? I hate you! I wish it was you who died and not mum 'cause she'd never have treated us like this."

I stormed up the stairs before anything else could be said to only upset us further.

/

When I had changed and covered up my cuts and bruises with an endless amount of foundation, I picked up my bag and left the house. I got in the car and drove towards the hospital, not looking forward to the questions.

Someone would question me, someone always did.

I bit my lower lip as I pulled into my usual parking space and turned off the engine. As I opened the driver side and reached for my handbag on the passenger side.

I locked the car and walked towards the main entrance of the hospital. As I reached the reception desk, TC smiled at me and said gently; "You look rough."

With a smile I quickly gave him the V's. As I walked into the staff room, I walked into Toby. I found myself unable to look him in the eye and as he touched my arm I pulled away.

"I was worried about you." He said to me.

"I didn't ask you to be worried did I?" I shot back. He looked rather upset at that comment but I didn't mean to be mean, I just felt that everybody was out to get me today. What if my father saying it was my fault!

"You left me with your daughter! Your daughter and went. She was scared and worried and she was left with a stranger. It was me Lauren, _me _who had to look after her because nobody knew where the hell you were!"

"You really want to know where I was?" I spat, "I was shagging someone else okay?"

I noticed the hurt in his eyes and I realised I didn't want to hurt him. I loved him.

"Toby?" I said gently as I tried to take his arm. He moved away from me and answered; "I don't know who you are anymore."

/

I slammed my locker closed, tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. I hated the fact I could be a right bitch given the chance. I'd hurt him and it didn't make me feel any better! It made me feel like shit, knowing someone else hated me.

/

It was awkward to say the least. Every time our paths crossed, Toby and I pretty much refused to communicate. When we did, it was short, snappy and usually sarcastic on my part. Everyone could tell there was something going on and I knew it was a bad idea to be involved in a relationship at work.

"Toby, here me out, please."

"I've got nothing to say to you."

I grabbed his arm as he walked past me. He looked down at my hand on his arm, "Please Toby? Just hear me out."

"No." He answered, shook his arm free and walked on. I could feel everyone watching me and I knew I needed to get out of there! Putting down my patient file that I'd collected moments before, I went for a walk to clear my head.

/

I ended up on the roof. Strange, I know considering I wasn't suicidal or complementing suicide.

It just seemed the easiest place to go to think. What with the scenery and the wind blowing through my hair. It was easy to gather my thoughts and come up with a conclusion on how to get out of this mess I'd found myself in.

/

I was deep in thought when I heard the door to the roof open and I turned around. There was a young girl, not much older than seventeen trying to get her breathe back and I smiled softly as she apologised for disturbing me.

"It's fine." I said gently, "What are you doing up here?"

"The horrible Doctor was trying to stick a needle in my arm. I don't like needles."

She walked closer slowly, almost like she was hesitant and I smiled softly, "You can sit next to me, I won't push you off."

The girl walked towards me and sat down next to me. She swung her legs backwards and forwards as she took in the view from the edge. It was beautiful out here! You could see the city for miles.

"I'm Lauren." I said to the young girl and extended my hand,

"I'm Lily." She answered back and shook my hand, "What are you doing on the roof?"

"Thinking." I replied back, "I'm a Doctor, don't look so worried, I'm not going to jump. At that moment, I'm struggling with certain things. Not as much the Doctor side of things, my personal life is pretty naff shall we say."

Lily smiled. She was a pretty sort of girl with dark black hair. She reminded me of what I used to look like as a teenager. I swung my legs backwards and forwards as I stared at the people walking to and from the hospital grounds. They were that small, they could pass as ants.

"It can't be that bad can it?"

"I'm twenty-four, I'm a Doctor. I also have a daughter and an ex that's dead. I'm a party girl, I like to drink and take drugs. I don't—" I paused. I had no idea why I was talking to a stranger. A young girl who was no older than sixteen and probably didn't know much about life.

That was slightly discriminating against the girl wasn't it?

"Anyway Lily, would you like me to give you the injection?" I swung my legs around the other side, "All you'll feel is a little scratch and then it'll be over, I promise."

Lily looked at me. If I could do it, she could do it. With a small smile, she swung her legs around to the other side and stood up. She nodded slowly before telling me she only wanted me to give her the injection. I said I would and wondered who the horrible Doctor was.

/

The horrible Doctor in question was Doctor Trueman. I hadn't met him yet for the reason I'd been on the roof but according to Kelsey, he had a pair of nice legs. I took Lily back to her cubicle and picked up her notes.

Lily Jenson was in for a wound to the stomach caused by a stab wound. It was minor, not life threatening and she needed the wound stitching. Of course for that, she needed the wound numbed. I put on a pair of gloves and smiled;

"Like I said, it'll only hurt for a moment."

She closed her eyes, "I trust you." As I pressed the needle into her wound, I gave her the injection and as I put the needle back on the equipment trolley.

"Is that it?"

"No, you'll need it stitching. I'll go and get you a nurse to do that."

"Can't you do it?" She asked and I agreed. It would keep me in cubicles for a couple of minutes and out of everybody's way. As I began to stitch up the wound, I asked her how she got it, "I—um."

"You don't have to tell me you know."

"I—" She paused, "I'm in a bit of a gang, a girl pulled a knife out on me and stabbed me."

"You're from the Farmead Estate right? I'm not going to stand here and say get yourself out of it because I knows what it's like. I was young once. Just don't forget, you can be someone no matter what you do when you're young."

I finished stitching up her wound and as I pulled off my disposable gloves I said; "There, you're all done. I don't want to see you in here anytime soon. Promise?"

She smiled, "Nice to meet you Doctor Lauren."

"You too Lily." I answered back as she collected her stuff and walked away. As she left cubicles, I hoped I wouldn't see her back here but I wouldn't count on it. She was a girl from the Farmead Estate, she'd be back. It was only a matter of time.

/

"There you are! I've been looking for you all morning." Kelsey exclaimed as I walked towards the Nurses' station. When she caught sight of me, she was silent and I looked back at her;

"What?" I asked as I leant against the desk.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Oh _that_." I laughed, "I fell down the stairs, I was drunk."

"Right okay." Kelsey said but I knew she didn't believe me. Well, why would she, it wasn't the truth, "Anyway, there's a new club opening in town called Paradise. Abs and I are going along with Harry's daughter Kizzie, I've got a spare ticket, come on."

One half of me was telling me not to be so irresponsible. The other half was telling me to go out and have fun. I thought long and hard about my decision and I shook my head, "I can't Kelsey, I'm sorry."

I had someone I needed to make up with. Actually, I had two people I had to apologise too and promise I'd never hurt them again.

* * *

**jottings** — my muse went for a bit but _new tricks _got her back(Y) i can't believe how long this chapter is, i apologise if it makes no sense whatsoever. if you enjoy it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review;3


	19. CHAPTER XIX

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**CHAPTEEN NINETEEN**.

At the end of a busy shift, I walked into the staff room to find Toby getting changed, "Toby?"

He ignored me, pulled on a white teeshirt and closed his locker. I walked towards him and took his hand, "Toby, I know you hate me but please can I explain? I didn't do it to hurt you, I did it to hurt me. I'm scared of loving you because everything I love, I lose."

I laced my fingers with his, "I'm sorry, really I am. I know I've hurt you and I didn't mean too. I love you, you and Sofia are the best things to ever happen to me and I know I've completely screwed up but please, give me a chance?"

"I can't Lauren, I'm sorry." He moved away breaking the link between us and walked towards the door. As I opened my locker, I couldn't control the tears that ran down my cheeks. I lost him, I know I had and I only had myself to blame.

/

"What do you want me to say?" I said gently, "That I'm sorry and I'll never do it again?"

"It'll be a start." Maggie answered back and I looked at Sofia. She was knelt by the coffee table, scribbling on a blank piece of paper with different colours. I sighed. She was so innocent, so beautiful. She deserved more than me.

"I can't promise that I won't do it again."

"I can't help you Lauren if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"What makes you so sure there's something wrong?" I told her and fiddled with my bracelet on my wrist. She looked at me and touched my hand;

"Lauren, how long have I known you?"

I shrugged. It was true that Maggie had known me for a number of years. I began to fiddle with the bracelet again.

"Look, I can't do this. I find it hard to be a Doctor, I never feel good enough. I always feel like every mistake I make it's going to reflect badly on my mother's name. It sounds pathetic doesn't it?" I replied as I glanced at Sofia and then back at Maggie;

"Not only that I'm a party animal, I like a drink and to dabble in drugs. I know you're going to tell me I'm stupid but it's just the way I like to live. Life's too short to do anything that makes you unhappy. I just—"

I stood up and told Sofia we were going. As I turned to Maggie, I thanked her for looking after Sofia and told her she wouldn't need to do it anymore. I knelt down to Sofia's level, put on her coat and zipped it up for her before grabbing her hand and leaving.

As we were walking back to ours, Sofia asked me a question; "Mummy, will you die?"

I looked down at my daughter and I sighed. I hopefully wasn't going to die for a while but I knew the more I carried on with this lifestyle, the drugs, the drink and sleeping with strangers. I knew one day I'd turn up dead.

"No, mummy's not dying."

"Okay but if you do die, who will look after me?"

I smiled softly and squeezed her hand reasurringly, "You don't have to worry about that because that's not going to happen for a while. Okay?"

Sofia nodded and the rest of the journey was spent in silence. As we reached the front door, Sofia ran up the steps and I followed behind, trying to find the keys in my pocket. When I found them, I opened the door and shouted into the house;

"Louis I'm home."

/

I made Sofia and I lasagne and left the rest of it in the oven. She sat at the table, prodding her food with her fork and I noticed she didn't want to eat anything. As I finished my mouthful, I tilted my head to the side and asked; "What's wrong?"

"Am I not a nice person?"

"No, you're beautiful and funny. Why?"

She dropped her fork next to the plate and shuffled off the chair. As she walked towards me, I picked her up and sat her on my knee. She fiddled with my necklace before she continued to speak, "Everyone leaves me."

I sighed, "I promise I will never, ever leave you."

"Promise?" I smiled, kissed the top of her head and stood up, "I promise."

As I carried her into the living room, I sat her down on the sofa and told her that I was going to tidy up and then we'll watch a film together. She said she'd like that and I kissed her forehead and returned to the kitchen. Once I had finished, I went upstairs to get my duvet.

I looked at the name plaque on Louis' bedroom and I slowly walked towards the door. Taking a deep breath, I knocked on knowing he wouldn't want to see me. Why an earth would he? He hated me just as much as dad did.

"Louis?" I opened the door. As always he was sat on his bed, preoccupied with his mobile phone.

"What?"

I walked towards his bed and sat down on the edge, "You and dad need to sort out whatever problem you've got. It's not good for Sofia, to know her whole family is falling to pieces and arguing. She needs stability."

"Don't give me a fucking lecture Lauren, you've got no room to talk." He answered back, "You didn't care about Sofia last night. Actually, you only care about her when it suits you."

"Oh fuck off. I mean it Louis I was trying to help you." I stood up from the bed and walked towards the door, "You're gonna push everyone away and end up on your own. And when you do become lonely, don't fucking come back to me!"

I walked out of his bedroom and slammed the door closed behind me. As I walked into my own bedroom, I picked up my duvet and returned to the living room. I threw it onto Sofia and she giggled and I smiled. I was lucky to have her, no matter how hard I found it to cope.

/

I decided to put on 101 Dalmatians which was my favourite film. As I settled down beside Sofia, she rested her head on my arm and stuck her thumb in her mouth.

/

Halfway through the film she fell asleep and I decided to take her to bed. As I moved my arm away gently, I got up off the settee so not to disturb her and turned off the DVD player and the television.

I walked towards her and was about to pick her up and carry her to bed when the doorbell rang. Looking at the clock, I wondered who'd want to visit at this time of hour. I wondered if it was one of Louis' friends and as I went to the door, I unlocked it.

On the otherside was Toby, swaying slightly and intoxicated, "Toby?"

"I hate you Lauren, you're a bitch. You slept with someone else behind my back and you broke my heart."

I leant against the door frame as I listened to him, "Toby, have you come here to tell me how much you hate me?"

"No." He answered back, "I've come here to tell you I love you. I love Sofia too, she's like my daughter. You did hurt me but I love you. And I want you to know, I can forgive you. Because, I love you."

I found myself crying again despite saying I'd never cry another tear; "Toby, I love you. I love you more than I should and I'm really, really, really sorry that I hurt you. I promise, I will never ever go out or drink or use drugs or cheat again."

He nodded and there was silence between us. As much as I wanted things to get back to normal between us, I knew it wouldn't. I'd broken his heart and now I had to try and rebuild his trust.

"Go home Toby, we'll talk in the morning." I told him, smiled at him and leant forward to kiss his cheek. As he stumbled down the front steps, I came to the conclusion that the dopey sod wouldn't find his way home and called his name.

He turned around and I smiled, "You can stay the night, if you promise to behave."

He grinned, stumbled his way back up the steps and into the house.

/

I carried Sofia upstairs, lay her down on the bed and covered her with a thin blanket. As I returned downstairs to retrieve the duvet, I found Toby asleep on the sofa. I smiled to myself as I watched him, walked towards him and kissed his forehead.

"I love you." I told him as I turned off the living room light and went upstairs. I changed out of my clothes, into a pair of fresh, warm pyjamas and took my dressing gown off the wardrobe. Lying down on the floor, I covered myself with the dressing gown and closed my eyes.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review. something compeletely irrelavent but i thought i would share with you is that i am **EIGHTEEN **tomorrow, officially an adult and legally allowed to drink! ;3


	20. CHAPTER XX

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**CHAPTER TWENTY**.

I woke around six-thirty, left Sofia to sleep and gently crept out of the bedroom. As I reached the bottom step, I heard movement coming from the living room and I slowly walked to the door. As I edged closer, I saw Toby taking two paracetamol's.

"Sleep well?" I asked as he necked the glass of water. He turned to me and nodded.

"You don't have to be polite you know? That sofa is bloody uncomfortable." I smiled and he laughed and for a split second, it was like the old times. When we were happy and we — no _I _hadn't screwed up.

"Do you remember what you told me last night?"

He shook his head and I smiled. I knew I shouldn't expect him too. He was drunk when he came round, "You told me you'd forgive me for cheating because you love me and Sofia like she's your own daughter."

"Did I?"

I nodded and walked towards him, "Yeah you did. Listen to me, I know I've loads of work to do to prove to you I'm sorry. I know the trust I broke isn't going to magically reappear but please Toby, please take me back. I'll do anything."

He was silent for a moment, almost as if he was thinking about my offer, "Anything?"

I nodded again and swallowed hard, "Anything."

There was a silence again before he answered back; "I want you to get help. I mean it. If you get help for your problems, maybe we've got a chance. Until then, I can't take you back, I'm sorry." He kissed my cheek and left the house.

I'd do it. I'd go to Kathy and I'd get help if it meant getting Toby back.

/

I had a shower after Toby left, got changed into a pair of shorts and a floaty top. I blow dryed my hair and then straightened it. As I was straightening it, I noticed that I needed my hair cutting desperately as the ends were pretty much dying.

After I was ready, I fed Sofia, picked out her outfit and helped her get ready. Once we were ready, we left the house to go to the Nursery, "Sofia?"

"Hmm." She said as she clutched my hand and looked up at me. I looked down, her bright hazel eyes staring back at me and I bit my lower lip. I was going to tell her about Toby and I but I decided at the last minute to keep it a secret. I didn't want her to get upset as she had a bond with Toby.

After dropping her off at Nursery at seven, I decided to go back home. I wasn't due to start work until ten. Once I got home, I sat down on the sofa and stared at my phone for ages before deciding to make that phone call.

I typed in a familiar number and pressed my phone to my ear; "Hello Kathy, it's Lauren. I'm sorry for disturbing you at this time of hour but I need to talk to you."

_"You know I'm always here for you. At the office or mine?"_

"Yours? And thanks." I answered down the phone before I agreed that I would be round in fifteen. As I ended the phone and put it back in my pocket, I found a piece of paper and scribbled a note to Louis that I'd gone out and he'd have to pick up Sofia from Nursery after he finished school.

I knew he wouldn't like it. He'd claim it was unfair or something. Well, life was unfair!.

/

I took the keys, left the house for a second time that morning and began to walk along the street.

/

"I'm actually sorry for just doing this, especially this early."

I sat down on the chair. Her living room was nice. Large with flowered wallpaper. Something you could tell belonged to an old woman. No offence to Kathy. I brought my legs to my chest and hugged them as I began to talk;

"I need help. I've lost the one person who means the most to me through pushing him away and hurting him. I'm scared that if I carry on doing this, no-one is going to want to know me. He's given me an ultimatum, either get help or he'll never forgive me."

"And you want help?"

I nodded, "Of course I do. I'm a mother now, not a teenager. It's not acceptable to go around and get completely smashed out of my face on drugs. I'm a Doctor too, if you go to work with drugs in your system, that will be the end of my career."

There was a silence and I grabbed a piece of paper of the desk. As I folded it in half, I heard her ask;

"Why did you start using drugs again?"

I fiddled with the paper, "I needed something to make me relax. Everything's just got on top of me and I needed something to stop me from being uptight so I took drugs. Only, it's a mess isn't it? This whole situation that I am in?"

"How do you feel inside?"

I shrugged my shoulders as I dropped the piece of paper on the table, "I don't know, I can't explain how I feel. I mean," I paused, sighed deeply and continued to speak, "I feel numb and generally shit inside if I'm honest."

"Why?"

I sighed again. I'd come here to talk and I wasn't bound to sit here in silence. However, it was a lot harder than I anticipated. I niddled my lower lip and knew I had to come clean to her about everything. My feelings, my thoughts, my fears. But it wasn't going to be easy. Some things I'd never spoken about since my mother died.

As I stared at her in the eye, I forced a smile and said gently, "Can I get a glass of water please?"

* * *

**jottings** — only a short update because it's my birthday but i wanted to give you guys something:3 like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	21. CHAPTER XXI

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**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE.**

Kathy came back a short while with a glass of water and placed it on the table. I leant forward and picked it up before taking a sip.

"Look, you're probably sick of hearing 'bout my life when it's not as bad as some people."

"Things affect everybody differently. What one person may cope with another person may not. We're all human, we all have emotions and we have all things we can and cannot deal with."

I nodded. I still felt guilty for being upset. I mean there were people out there who were dying and yet they were still able to smile and think positively. I picked up the glass of water and took another sip, "I-I need to tell you things I've never told anyone, not even my parents. I'm just not sure which is the best way to come out with it."

"Well there are plenty of ways to tell people things. Drawing a picture may help, even writing a letter for some people. Others find it therapeutic to write their thoughts down in a diary entry."

"What would you recommend for me?" I asked and there was a pause on her behalf, "Everyone is different but for you, I'd recommend keeping a diary because of your previous achievements."

I sighed, "Listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once."

She nodded and I continued to speak, "Lauren we've been over this."

"I know." I swallowed hard, "I just, I can't seem to get it out of my head that Louis and my father blame me for my mother's death. After all _I _was the one who sent her the text message saying it was urgent."

Kathy sighed, "Lauren, you didn't cause your mother's death. You sent her a text message. That message didn't kill her. What killed her was a drunk driver. That drunk driver was the person responsible for your mother's death. Not yours. Not your mother. That driver was, understood?"

I nodded, "Yes but—"

"But nothing! It was a freak accident. Even if she hadn't received that text message, do you think your mother would still be alive?"

I often wondered the same thing. If only I'd sent the message five minutes earlier, ten minutes later, who knew whether my mother would be alive today? However, I often came to the same conclusion. My mother would still be dead whether she had received the message or not.

"No, no she wouldn't have."

"There's your answer, it wasn't your fault."

/

An hour later, at nearly half past eight, I left Kathy's and began to make my way to work. Although I wasn't due in until ten; I didn't mind starting an hour earlier. It would give me something to do.

I decided to walk down the notorious Farmead Estate, an estate that was quite frankly rough. I kept my head down as I walked through trying not to draw attention to myself although on a place like Farmead, people could sniff new blood a mile off.

As I turned into one of the estates alleyways, I noticed a girl, alone, clutching her stomach. I could tell just by her body language that there was something wrong and at this point, most people would've walked away. Not me. For some reason if there was trouble, I wasn't far behind.

"Hello?" I called and slowly began to walk towards the girl. The voice in the back of my head told me to walk away, head further out of Farmead I could then dial an ambulance for the young girl. Of course if I did that, I'd be showing the Farmead crew I was scared. And I was far from scared.

"Help, I've been stabbed." She whispered and removed her hand from her stomach. I noticed the large slash in her skin tight top, the white silk soaked with blood and the liquid dripping from her hand. I bit my lower lip gently as I answered back, "I'm a Doctor okay? Sit down and hold this to your stomach." I took off my tee-shirt and handed it to the girl. She couldn't have been more than fourteen at a guess, her eyes, an unusual shade of blue, wide in terror.

"I want you to press it to your stomach okay? As hard as you can."

The girl nodded, swallowed hard and began to press my tee-shirt to her stomach. I took out my phone and dialled 999. Telling the operator on the other end of the phone my location, I hung up at the end of the girl and put on my jacket. Despite being exposed in just my jacket and bra, I didn't feel cold and I wondered if this was the adrenaline kicking in.

Kneeling down to my knees, I took over pressing the wound from the young girl. As our eyes connected for a moment, I smiled gently and asked; "What's your name?"

"Karly." She whispered and closed her eyes. I knew I had to keep her awake even though I knew she probably wanted to go to sleep.

"Karly, I'm Lauren. I need you to keep your eyes open for me, can you do that?" I asked and she nodded but didn't verbally reply.

"You should go." She whispered, "If you don't, he'll kill you too."

I smiled sadly at Karly. She seemed a pretty girl, most likely a crew member of one of these gangs that was always in the newspapers, "Nobody's going to kill me, I promise you. They'd have to get past my heavies first."

She smiled weakly, "So Karly, how old are you?"

"Fourteen."

"Do you go to Holby High?"

"Hmm." She answered back and I looked at her. Despite not knowing what kind of person she was, to me she seemed an innocent girl caught up in the wrong crowd. Then again, anyone who appeared innocent was most likely not.

"Does Mr Grady still work there?"

She smiled softly at the memory, "Prances around the drama room like he owns the place."

"I don't stalk him by the way." I answered and she smiled, "I went to Holby High a good couple of years ago." There was a silence and I was relieved to hear the sirens of the ambulance in the distance.

/

"Hello princess." Jeff said as he knelt down beside Karly. I smiled softly as he took over and Greg handed me a blanket and told me to keep myself warm. I was grateful that my stomach was still as flat as it was when I was a child especially after giving birth to a child.

I took the blue blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders, instantly feeling the heat. I slowly made my way to the back of the ambulance and sat down on one of the seats. Now I didn't expect this to be the start of my morning, being part of a stabbing.

The movement from the Farmead Estate to the Hospital was silent. Well, more so on my half than theirs. Greg was chatting nosily to both the patient and Jeff whilst I was just sat there, absent-mindedly staring into space. When we reached the hospital, I clambered out of the back and Jeff gently took hold of my arm.

"You alright?" He asked and I nodded. Forcing one of my usual Lauren smiles, I answered back, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

He didn't say anything else and I wondered if people had started talking. Now, it wouldn't really surprise me being in a place like this but these people were meant to be my friends weren't they?

I followed Jeff and Greg in through the doors of the Emergency Department with just my jacket and the blanket to cover my modesty. There was a spotty teenager in the queue waiting to be seen by TC who, once he laid eyes on me, whistled and said I could check his pulse anytime.

I laughed, flashed him two fingers and told him to get back to me once he'd been laid. Now he didn't seem too impressed at that as he blushed a deep red colour and his mates began to take the piss out of him! I actually felt quite good about myself. I walked towards the staff-room and upon seeing no-one inside, I walked to my locker and took out my locker key.

I let the blanket drop to the floor and pulled out a scrub top. As I was about to put it on, someone woof-whistled behind me and I turned around, instantly blushing red. My eyes fell upon someone who I didn't recognise which made me more embarrassed.

He seemed to notice my discomfort at the situation as he apologised, "Sorry, I don't believe we've met, I'm Adam Trueman; the new Consultant."

"Lauren Fairhead, F2." I pulled on my scrub top and extended my hand out for him to shake, "So you're the wonderful Doctor Trueman, the one with the nice pair of legs as all the ladies like to say?"

I smirked, forgetting my discomfort at being caught in my bra by a male colleague, "Oh yes, would you like to see?"

"No thanks, I'll just take their word for it." There was a silence between us before I excused myself and told him I'd better start work as I didn't want to be late. He nodded his head and smiled as he left the room.

He was handsome but I knew there was something about him. It was probably nothing but I knew I had to be careful around him. He was most likely one of those lads who broke everybody's heart. And anyway, I wasn't remotely interested. I had Toby remember.

* * *

**jottings — **i'm on holiday at the moment so replies may be a little late. i will try to update every day but i'm not sure as the internet connection round here is terrible. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review. :3


	22. CHAPTER XXII

**jottings** — I think Harry may be a tad out of character but I think he needs to be in order for this chapter to work.

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO**.

After I'd spoken to Adam, I left the staff-room and began to walk towards reception. I was about to pick up a patient file when I saw Harry by the reception desk talking to TC.

I didn't know he was back although I'd heard a rumour of his possible return. Biting my lower lip, I saw in the corner of my eye Harry walk towards me and I knew what he was going to say.

"Harry, I didn't know you were back."

He smiled and I smiled softly, "You're early. You're not meant to start until ten."

"Well, I noticed how busy we are and I decided to start an hour early so you've got an extra pair of hands." There was a silence between us and I had a feeling he was going to ask me to his office in say, ten minutes?

"Could you come to my office in ten minutes?" I nodded and as he walked off, I knew what it was about. I wasn't stupid. The talk had something to do with me turning up on his doorstep the other evening with drugs in my system.

I walked into cubicle four where a Mr Jacobs was in. As I closed the curtain and turned to face the patient, I noticed him being the teenager who'd said I could check his pulse anytime.

"Aye, got my wish didn't I?" He said and I cracked a smile, "I'm Doctor Fairhead, you can say it's your arm that's hurting yeah?"

"Yeah, fell off me bike didn't I?" He answered back and gestured to his right arm. Carefully, I rolled up his shirt and touched him arm carefully.

"Why didn't you get this seen to before?" I asked. His arm was twice the size of the other, swollen but otherwise in good condition i.e. it wasn't broken.

"I didn't want to make a fuss." He replied. Most of the people I gave treatment too often told me they hadn't wanted to make a fuss when they had their accident. I was certain it wasn't broken so I explained my diagnosis to him that nothing was broken and it was badly bruised.

"If the swelling hasn't gone down in a further two days, I'd come back if I was you."

I smiled, took off my disposable gloves and updated his notes. As I was doing so, I heard the patient ask; "Don't I get your name?"

"You know it, it's Doctor Fairhead." I smiled, left the cubicle and headed for Harry's office. The sooner I got this over and done with the better.

/

As I approached the office, I took a deep breath, ran a hand through my hair and knocked on the door. When I heard him answer for me to come in, I pushed open the door and apologised; "Hello, sorry for being late, you know what the patients are like."

He smiled, said it wasn't a problem and gestured for me to take a seat. I closed the door, noticing my sticky palms and I walked over to the seat at the front of the desk and sat down.

"Relax, you're not in trouble."

I _did _relax after that. There was a silence between us and I began to fiddle with my fingers, a sign that I was nervous.

"I just want to talk with you; I was concerned about the other night."

"Oh that night, the night you phoned my father and betrayed my trust?"

"Technically, not true. I rang your father to tell him that you were at mine, I didn't tell him about the drugs. I respected that."

I bit my lower lip, "Why am I here?"

"Because I need you to know that if this ever happens again. Whether you turn up for work or require hospital treatment whilst under the influence of drugs, I may have to suspend you pending a full investigation."

I nodded. I understand that there were only so many times you could push the boundaries before you fell flat on your face, "And what do you expect me to do in the meantime?"

"Talk to someone, I've got a list of—"

I stood up from the chair and turned to Harry. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to this. I understand that if I endanger the life of a patient then I will be suspended but I can ensure you, the events of the previous night won't be repeated anytime soon. As for talking to someone, I've got a therapist, she's called Kathy."

"Kathy Marshall? She's a brilliant woman." He answered and I caught the hint of sadness in his voice. I knew the grief of losing Beth all those years ago was still raw. I sat down again, feeling ashamed of myself when he was being so kind.

"I'm presuming you're going to tell me all about your battle with prescription drugs? They're just as illegal as that I'm using but with mine nobody is getting hurt."

It was true; I believed nobody was getting hurt by my occasional use of Methedrone but I was wrong. Those I loved and cared for were upset and I was just selfish.

"Is that what you believe? That nobody is getting hurt? You might not think that but you are, you just can't see it."

"Talking of experience?" I asked even though I knew the answer. I heard how much Harry relied on his daughter Tally after the death of his wife.

"You're a good Doctor Lauren, you're an amazing F2 and you've got what it takes to become a Consultant. You need to work on your personal problems before they interfere with your work."

I sighed. Did he really believe I was capable of becoming a Consultant? "Fine, I hear what you're saying and I'm presuming this stays between me, you and these four walls. But, do you really believe I have what it takes to become a Consultant?"

"You're Baz Samuel's daughter; you can be anything you want to be." I laughed softly, picked myself up from the chair and walked to the door. As I put my hand on the door handle, I turned to him once again and said, "Thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind."

As I left the office, I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that that conversation was over.

/

I received the phone call from Louis' school at around half past eleven. I could still remember the last two digits of the phone number and I sighed. Walking out of the ED, I answered the phone and pressed it to my ear; I noticed an unfamiliar number flash up on my screen and I went outside to answer the phone call.

As I accepted the call, I pressed the phone to my ear and said gently; "Hello?"

"_Hello, this is Miss Jackson from Louis' school. We've had another incident with Louis."_

I sighed, wondering what the hell Louis had done now to receive a phone call home. Usually my father took these phone calls but he was away for a little holiday. In all due respect, he did deserve it. I looked around the hospital grounds before speaking into the phone,

"Is this actually important? I'm not being rude or anything but I do have a lot of work to do."

"_Well, I guess it depends on your definition of important. Your brother, Louis was found with cannabis on him again. He's only just come back from exclusion."_

I rolled my eyes; my brother equalled the idiot; "Fine, look I'll be there within the hour."

"_Excuse me Miss Fairhead I don't think your—"_

"Excuse me Miss Jackson, I don't think you understand how much work I have to get done, or the fact I cannot just drop everything because my idiotic brother wants to get himself excluded. As I said, I will try and get there within the hour, maybe even less."

"_Miss—"_

"Goodbye Miss Jackson." I answered, put the phone down and ran a hand through my hair. If I had a choice I would never have had a brother. He was more trouble than he was worth. I turned back into the hospital and went back to work although my mind kept thinking about Louis.

I wanted to know why he was behaving the way he was. Why he was so intent on destroying his life, as my father would've said. Talking of my father, I knew I should let him now but I didn't. Things between us weren't exactly rosy.

We hadn't spoken since my outburst when I told him I wished he was the one to die instead of mum.

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**jottings — **if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review;3


	23. CHAPTER XXIII

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**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE.**

I returned back into the ED where I said to TC that if anyone asked for me, I was busy. I didn't specify where I was going, nobody needed to know where I was going, they'd find out soon enough.

I left the ED again and called a taxi. I wish I'd taken my car this morning but nope. I decided to walk and look what I discovered on the way!

As I gave the operator my details, I hung up and sat down on the wall and waited. A short while later, the taxi arrived and I opened the door and got in.

Closing the door behind me, I told the taxi driver to take me to Farmead School. I stared out of the window, watching the landscape go by. The journey wasn't too long roughly ten minutes and when the taxi pulled up against the school's gates, I handed the taxi driver a ten pound note and told him to keep the change.

I stood by the gates, took a deep breath and walked towards the reception area. As I passed through the grounds, I was amazed that the school hadn't changed. In fact, in all honesty it looked the same.

The walls were still filled with graffiti.

As I reached reception, I recognised the woman on the reception desk. She was called Samantha. Now way into her thirties, she could've have been more than middle twenty's when she started working, all the boys wanted to shag her.

"Excuse me; I don't suppose you could tell me where Miss Jackson's office is?"

"Are you a visitor?"

I nodded and she pushed a clipboard in my direction. I picked up a pen off the side, scribbled my name, signature and date and handed the clipboard back to the woman.

"What's it regarding?" She asked as she sorted through the pile on her desk, not once making eye contact with me.

"I got a phone call about my brother from Miss Jackson."

"And your brother is?" I sighed and was about to answer her question when Miss Jackson appeared from around the corner. When she told me to follow her, I followed her from the reception desk and down a long corridor. As we walked, I couldn't help but be nosey and look into the classrooms.

Some classrooms were quiet, others were loud with excitement. In others, there were even a few students asleep so it would appear! There was no small talk as we reached the office and as she held the door open for me, I walked in. I immediately saw Louis sat on one of the chairs with a male teacher sat nearby.

"Thanks Mr Carver." She addressed to the male teacher before he left, "Take a seat."

I took a seat far away from Louis as possible because in that moment, I could've hit him. I crossed one leg over the other as Miss Jackson sat in front of us and began to speak; "I'm sorry for dragging you here like this Miss Fairhead."

"It's alright." I answered back, glanced at Louis and back at the teacher, "What's he done now?"

"I'm afraid Louis was caught with cannabis again. As this is the second time and he's only just come back from exclusion, we have no alternative other than to exclude him again."

I nodded slowly and swallowed; "How long will he be excluded for?"

"I am here you know." I heard from Louis and I turned to Louis and told him to shut his mouth before I did some real damage to it.

"I've spoken to Louis' head of year and we've decided to exclude Louis for a week."

"A week?" I repeated, I hadn't realised you could be excluded for that long. I noticed that Louis had a smirk on his face and I had to tell myself that losing my temper in front of Miss Jackson wasn't acceptable.

He just didn't seem to care that his life was going down the drain; it was like he wanted it too. After Miss Jackson had finished discussing possible routes of managing Louis' behaviour, I realised that I would have to call my father.

As we left the office, we walked to reception and I sighed out. Walking through the double doors, I noticed Louis was about to open his mouth to say something but I told him to shut up. I wasn't in the mood for hearing his pathetic excuses. I took out my mobile phone and stared at the screen.

"Who are you drinking?"

"I'm ringing dad." I answered back and he rolled his eyes, "Does dad really need to know?"

As I pressed the call button on my father's mobile number, I pressed the phone to my ear. As it rang, I answered back; "Do you really need to ask a stupid question? When dad comes back—"

I was cut off by my father's voice on the other end of the phone, "Lauren?"

"Hello dad." I said as enthusiastically as possible, "There's been an incident with Louis."

I heard my father sigh on the phone and I felt guilty that I had to be the bearer of bad news, "What's he done?"

"He got caught with cannabis again." I replied. My father said he would be home as soon as he could and I said that I would keep Louis with me until then. Well, as much as I could. I was only his sister.

When I got off the phone to my father, I phoned for a taxi. Eventually off the phone, I shoved it further into my pocket and looked at Louis.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" He answered back as he stared at the floor. I pushed him forcefully, "This! Getting yourself excluded! Doing drugs! Fucking up your life and the life of everyone around you."

"I don't have to answer to you."

I smirked, "No you don't but you have to answer to dad and he's on his way home."

The taxi pulled up and I told Louis to get inside. I got in after him, closed the door and looked at him, "Come on, and tell me why you don't like me?"

"I don't—"

"Bullshit!" I snapped. I'd had enough of this, enough of the attitude and the avoidance of me, "Come on big man, tell me why you hate me!"

"Sorry to interrupt you guys but where to?" The taxi driver asked and for a moment, broke up the argument. As I replied to Holby City Hospital, Louis began to protest that he didn't want to go to the hospital. For the third time in less than half an hour, I told him to be quiet.

It was quiet back to the hospital, Louis and I didn't speak and I could tell there was an atmosphere between us as the driver kept glancing at us in the mirror. As we got back to Holby, I handed him a ten pound note, told him to keep the change and got out of the taxi.

As I walked into the staff room with Louis, I turned to him; "Sit there. Don't complain; don't do anything that will make me smack you in the mouth. For once in your life, keep your head down and your mouth shut?"

Opening my locker, I put my phone inside and turned to Louis; "I mean it behave. You're not embarrassing me because you're a little scrout who can't do anything."

"Wasn't that long ago you were a so-called scrout too?"

I slammed my locker closed, "Yeah you're right. The only difference between you and I is that I've grown up. I wish you'd be a big man and tell me what you think of me."

"You really want to know?" He asked but I didn't reply, "You're a manipulative, cold-hearted bitch yet everyone thinks the sun shines out your fucking arse. I'm sick of hearing about Lauren this and Lauren that, it's a piss-take. It wasn't that long ago that _you_ were shagging fuck knows who, taking drugs yet nobody mentions that these days do they? You're that perfect Lauren; you left your fucking daughter at one month old, why? Because you're selfish, you always were selfish. If you hadn't of been, perhaps mum wouldn't have died!"

I looked him in the eye. Now we had the confession. I looked at Louis, all the anger building up inside. I launched for him and punched him in the face,

"You are a cunt. I hate that you're my brother. You know, I'm not perfect, nobody is but I tried my hardest to be something. I want mum to be proud of me but she isn't. She never wanted me, she always wanted you. You were her little boy and I'm sorry I took it away from you! But, you know Louis, through all my faults, I tried to do what's right for everyone involved in my shitty little life."

He pushed me off him and I collided into the lockers. I went up to him and punched him in the mouth. My fist collided with his jaw and I heard a crack. As he went to push me off him again, I heard a voice, "Lauren? Louis? What the hell is going on here?"

Both Louis and I turned to the door to see Maggie stood there with a horrified expression on her face.

* * *

**jottings** — back home on saturday, will try and update before then. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to leave a review;3


	24. CHAPTER XXIV

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**CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR**.

"_He _started it." I answered as I stared at Louis, "He's jealous."

"Jealous of a crack-whore like you?" He answered back and I went for him a third time. I didn't get to him though because Maggie stood in the middle of us, trying to stop us ripping each other apart.

"Lauren! Louis! Pack it in the pair of you! You're both acting like children."

"It's him." I answered back, "I'm sick to death of him. All he does is act like a spoilt little brat."

"Look who's talking." He shot back.

"Louis!" Maggie told him and Louis was quiet.

"Just you wait Louis, I'll break your soddin' neck."

"Lauren!" Maggie warned me and I shut up then. I noticed that the side of Louis' face was slightly swollen and I wondered if I'd broken his jaw when I punched him earlier. Maggie noticed too because she told him to go to cubicle thirteen. As Louis walked out, she turned to me and said;

"We'll talk later."

"No we won't." I answered back, "There's nothing to talk about."

"Lauren, I've just caught you and Louis trying to kill each other!"

"Well he shouldn't have been a dick then should he?" I went to leave but she grabbed my arm, "Lauren! You and Louis need to sort out whatever problem you have with each other. Preferably before you send your father into an early grave."

"I don't care. Dad hates me just as much as Louis."

"Is that what you think?" She asked and I pulled my arm free, "It's what I know."

And without another word, I left the staff room and went back to work hoping nobody had noticed that I'd gone earlier. I hadn't needed to worry, the Emergency Department was that busy, I don't think anyone had a chance to notice I was gone.

/

"Lauren?" I was looking at a patient file when I heard my name being called. I looked up from the file to see Toby stood in front of me.

I smiled softly before answering, "Yes?"

"Are you busy tonight? I wondered if you—uh." He stopped, his cheeks turning slightly red. I smiled brightly, "Did I what? I don't have all day."

"Do you want to come round for a drink?"

"At your new place? Yeah, I'd like too, you do realise I've gotta bring Sofia though?" I closed the file and held it to my chest as I waited for him to reply. He looked up from the floor, stared at me in the eye and smiled;

"Yeah—cause—that's—fine. Is seven okay?"

I nodded, "Seven's great." As I walked past him, he grabbed my arm and I stopped. As I turned to look at him, he took my hand in his hand and ran his fingers along the small graze and bruise on my knuckle.

"What happened?"

I sighed deeply, "I punched Louis, more than once. It's fine though."

He smirked, "So you're the reason I spent ten minutes putting your brother's jaw back in place. I didn't know you were so fiesty."

I smirked, there was a lot he didn't know. As he let go off my hand, I stared at him for a minute before I walked away, back to my patient. I still hated the fact that nothing was the same, everything had changed and there was no trust there anymore.

As long as we could stay friends, I didn't mind.

/

About three hours into my shift, I was walking out of a cubicle and pulled the curtain closed behind me when TC came up to me. He told me that Maggie wanted to see me in the staff room as soon as possible. I sighed, rolled my eyes and thanked him for passing on the message.

I slowly began to walk to the staff room and as I walked in, I saw Louis sat there. I knew I was been set up to talk to him and I went to walk back out when Maggie said; "You and Louis are going to talk, whether you like it or not."

"No offence Maggie but I don't think this has anything to do with you, you're not part of the family."

I knew it was a harsh thing to say seeing as she _had_ been there for me recently. Instead, I lent against the locker and folded my arms across my chest like a child.

"This is pointless. I hate him, he hates me, what's the point in talking about it?"

"Because you've both seemed to forgotten that your father is stuck in the middle of this." Maggie answered back. I knew she had a point. My father was stuck between Louis and I arguing and we did owe it him to sort out our differences.

I sat down on the chair and sighed; "I don't hate you Louis, I just find you irritating. You only seem to care about yourself and this, getting excluded from school for doing cannabis, what's that for? To show that you're a big hard man? You're not a kid anymore and I wish you'd grow up!"

He laughed, "It's my life, I can do what I want."

"You're right. It is your life but you best start practising, "would you like fries with that?" because that's where you'll be going. Down the fucking drain where all the shitty jobs are. No, worse. You'll end up in prison or dead. Or an addict."

"I'll just go the same way as you then, won't I?"

I rolled my eyes. He always brought up my past, "What do you want me to say Louis? That I enjoyed injecting heroin? I hated every minute I used that stuff. I hated what it did to mum and dad. I hated myself every time I went home, drunk and drugged-up, I was taking the attention away from you."

"So why did you do it?"

I stood up, looked at Maggie and Louis and answered; "I'm not going to tell you. I'm going back to work."

I slammed the door to the staff room closed as I left. I collided into Toby, making him drop his patient file on the floor. I bent down to help him pick it up and as I handed him the file, he noticed a tear roll down my cheek.

With his thumb, he wiped it away gently and said gently; "You're crying."

"I'll be okay." I whispered back and stood up. He stood up too and took my hand in his, "Are you sure?"

I nodded and was about to answer when I burst into tears. He put the file on the desk, held my hand and took me outside. Once we were outside and away from prying eyes, I said to him gently; "Sorry."

"It's okay." He pulled me into a hug and began to run his fingers through my hair, "What's wrong?"

"Don't you hate it when you try to do something but it ends up wrong and you hurt those you love?" I answered back. He nodded. I knew what he meant. I had hurt him when I didn't mean too. I simply didn't think of the concequences.

"Louis wants to know why I used drugs when I was younger. I can't tell him, I've never told anyone except Kathy."

"Tell him in your own time, when you're ready." He kissed the top of my head and eventually, I wiped away the tears that had fallen. After I'd stopped crying, I broke out of the hug and said thanks. He smiled and I kissed his cheek.

"I love you." I said and I walked away. He stood outside and answered back that he loved me too. Obviously, I couldn't hear him because I'd returned inside.

* * *

**jottings** — so, this is a really rubbish chapter but the words won't flow :| if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review.


	25. CHAPTER XXV

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**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE.**

I went back into the staff room and threw myself on the seat. Louis looked at me and I looked back at him before speaking; "Do you really want to know why I started using drugs?"

He nodded and I glanced at Maggie. Then I brought my knees to my chest and began to explain to Louis why I used drugs, "I was fifteen a straight A student who actually went to school, kept my gob shut and did my work. I had a best friend Melody, Mel we called her. She had a boyfriend called Josh. I started seeing his best friend Scott. They were great guys."

"Is this actually going anywhere or is this just poor Lauren's lifestory?"

"Shut up." I answered, "Josh and Scott used Melody and me. They beat us up, raped us, sold us to their friends for sex. Then they'd inject us with drugs, mostly heroin but it was anything they could get their hands on. Melody and I — we struggled to go to school and act like it was all normal but — we had each other and that made it easier."

"Where's this so-called Melody now?" Louis asked and rolled his eyes. I actually wanted to go over there and smash his stupid, cocky face in. I didn't. I took a deep breath, looked at the floor and answered back;

"When we broke free from them, the damage was done. I had mum and dad, they helped me and supported me. They never once questioned what had gone on, just held me when I cried in the middle of the night. Melody, Mel had no-one. She sunk further into depression and committed suicide three weeks before our GCSE's were due to begin."

/

_**FLASHBACK**._

_"Mel, hold my hand." I told her. She gripped my hand and looked at me, her eyes wide in terror._

_I squeezed her hand reassuringly, "We're going to be okay, I promise."_

_She smiled softly and for a moment, I saw the old her. The fun loving, bubbly girl I'd become friends with. As soon as it showed, it was replaced again by the new her. The one too afraid to do anything._

_"On the count of three," I said gently, "one, two, three."_

_On three we jumped. The last thing I heard before I hit the ground was Mel's terrified scream._

_/_

"You see that's why I use drugs. It's a coping mechanism I guess. When the feelings of fear come back and slowly take over my mind, I go out and I get high. I just didn't realise that in doing so I was hurting everyone around me."

I looked at Louis, "That's why I worry about you Louis. You think you know the world but you don't. You're smoking cannabis and fine, it's not the worst drug in the world but it'll change. And before you know it, you can only function after injecting something stronger."

I bit my lower lip, "I don't want that for you Louis." I stood up from the chair, "I've confessed and told you everything. When you want to talk, I'll listen, just like you've listened to me."

There was nothing spoken, just silence and I left the staff room. I knew who I was going to see, once I had, I'd have no secrets. I saw Toby by the vending machine and as I walked towards him, I said gently; "Can we talk?"

He nodded his head and I smiled, "Canteen?"

"Yeah." As we walked towards the canteen, I linked arms with him. I was afriad that once I'd told him everything, he wouldn't want to know me but I guess it was a price I was going to have to pay.

/

I sat opposite it him, both of us had a coffee in our hands and I stared at the plastic lid and began to fiddle with it. There was a silence and he didn't push me to speak, he just looked at me and waited patiently.

After five minutes, I began to talk. I told him everything I'd told Maggie and Louis. When I'd finished speaking, I was surprised to find myself in tear. As I went to wipe them away with the back of my hand, he took my hand in his and squeezed it.

"Lauren I'm—" He began but I cut him off, "It wasn't your fault I chose to tell you."

"Why?"

I stroked his hand, "I took your advice and I told Louis. I decided to tell you too. That why our relationship has no more secrets, or lies."

He squeezed my hand again, "That's all I've ever wanted Lauren." He answered back and kissed me softly. As he did, I smiled softly, happy to have the one person who made me complete back in my life.

"Does this mean we're back together?"

"Of course." And he kissed me again, this time for longer.

/

And that was that. Toby and I were back together and nothing could go wrong right? Wrong. Something big was on the way just to complicate mine and Toby's relationship. Something scary but good. And if you guess what it is from that, well — you're smart.

* * *

**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review. :3


	26. CHAPTER XXVI

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**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX.  
**_four months, five days later, _

Four months since Toby and I had got back together. In my eyes, it had gone pretty quick indeed. Sofia and I moved out of my father's and we were in a place of our own. Toby moved in once we got settled, I think Maggie was secretly pleased to see the back of him if I was honest.

I sat down on the edge of the bath and stared at the white stick that was on the toilet seat. I bit my lower lip as I counted down the minutes until the result appeared. I didn't know what to think.

Did I want another child? No — wait _yes _i did but not yet. It was too soon, Toby and I had only just got back together. What would he think? That it wasn't his? What about Sofia? Would she want a brother/sister? What about me? Could I cope with two children?

Five minutes went suprisingly quick considering this was the hardes moment of my life. I took a deep breath and stood up, my legs feeling heavy as I walked towards the toilet. Picking up the stick, I noticed the words pregnant and the weeks been between six to seven weeks.

Feeling a familiar feeling, I throw up in the toilet and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. Flushing the toilet, I wondered how I'd keep the pregnancy a secret. I threw the pregnancy test in the bin, left the bathroom and walked downstairs.

In the living room, Sofia sat on the floor her legs crossed watching milkshake on channel five. I slowly walked towards her and sat down on the floor, "Sofia?"

She turned her head slightly to me and then back at the television, "Yes mummy?"

I smiled softly as I brushed a strand of hair away from her face, "How would you feel about having a baby brother or sister?"

She turned her head to me and frowned; "What?"

I took her hand in mine, "In my tummy there's a baby."

"A baby?!" She shrieked, "A baby in your tummy."

There was nothing spoken between us and I wondered how she'd cope. Would she be jealous that I was having another baby? Would she hate me for keeping this baby and not her? I had a hundred questions that I'd only know the answer too seven months down the line.

The end of Banana's in Pyjamas came up and Sofia stood up off the floor. I knew she was expecting to go to Nursery as we usually set off at the end of Banana's in Pyjamas. I let her in on a little secret, today we weren't going to Nursery. Today was mine and Sofia's bonding time.

As she settled back down on the floor, I walked over to the corner and picked up the telephone. I dialled a familiar number and held the phone to my ear as I waited for the person on the other end of the phone to answer.

_"Holby City's Emergency Department."_

"Hi TC, it's Lauren. Can you let Maggie know that I'm not going to be in today? I've got a sickness bug. Thanks."

_"You sound perfectly fine to me."_ He said on the other end of the phone and I smirked;

"Do you want to come round? Hold my hair whilst I'm sick, look after Sofia for me?"

He didn't answer and I smiled. I didn't think he'd want to do all that. Instead, he said he'll pass the message on. Ending the phone call, I replaced the phone on the holder and looked at Sofia.

"Come on Kidda, let's go and have some fun."

/

Sofia was a star! She kept the pregnancy a secret until I told her it was okay to tell people. This was at my twelve week scan. I was nervous! It had been a while since I had a scan not to mention, four years since I'd been pregnant for the last time.

"This might be cold." She told me as she placed a blob of gel on my stomach. She was right, it was cold and she moved the scanner across my stomach.

"Can you see them?"

I looked at the machine and then back at the woman. Did she just say them?

"Them?"

She nodded, "You're having twins, congratulations." I didn't answer as my brain registered what was being said. I was pregnant with twins. How was I going to cope? How was Toby going to cope?

Leaving with a picture of the scan, I knew I was going to keep them both. I wanted to be a mum, part of me wanted to make up for ruining Sofia's life, leaving her when she needed her mother the most.

/

"Sofia?" The picture of the two scans were still in my handbag and I hadn't shown her yet. We'd been to McDonalds for tea as a treat for her being so good and we were now on the park, not far from home. She was climbing up the apparatus when I said to her; "Sofia?"

She hung her head backwards, "Mummy?"

"Mummy's having two babies."

"In your tummy? Are they are girl or a boy?"

"I don't know." I explained to her and smiled; "What would you like?"

She bit her lower lip gently and answered; "Two girls as boys are smelly."

She giggled and I found myself giggling too. She carried on playing for a short while until I told her it was getting late and we needed to go home. As we walked home, I found myself questioning how Toby was going to cope with the news I was pregnant. Tonight I would tell him.

/

I'd given Sofia a bath, read her a bedtime story and put her to bed just after seven-forty-five. Then I sat on the sofa, put on Eastenders and began to watch the show. Halfway through, I could hear the jangle of the keys in the door and the door opened.

"Lauren?"

"In the living room."

The door closed and he walked into the living room, "I heard you were ill. You're okay aren't you?"

I smiled as he kissed my lips. It was my smile that gave the game away. As he sat down beside me, he answered back; "Don't do that to me! You had me worried."

I leant over and kissed him, "Sorry." There was a silence and I took the scan photograph out of my pocket. I handed it to Toby and as he stared at the photograph, he was silent. I was scared. What if he didn't want children?"

"Is this—are we—are you pregnant?"

I nodded and he kissed me hard with a smile on his face, "That's wonderful!" He picked me up and carried me upstairs to bed. As he lay next to me, he put his hand on my stomach; "I can't believe we're having a baby."

"Babies."

He frowned and I smiled softly, "It's twins. We're having twins."

He kissed me again; "That's even better."

/

As we settled down to sleep, his hand on my stomach, I remembered a quote I read. Something about things falling to pieces so better things can come together. I thought it would be a great idea for a tattoo and as I snuggled into Toby, I fell asleep with that thought in my mind.

* * *

**jottings** — not long off this story left, never fear though, i have a sequel on the way. the title of which i will release at a later date. if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please review.


	27. CHAPTER XXVII

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**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN.**

I woke early morning, the sky pitch black outside. I turned over to find Toby's side of the bed empty and I glanced at the clock. It was half five in the morning and I realised that Toby and I were working the morning shift today.

Seven till five. The worst shift you could do, if I was honest with you. I was about to get out of bed when Toby came through the bedroom door, with a tray with breakfast on it. I rose an eyebrow and said gently,

"You do realise today isn't my birthday?"

He laughed, put the tray in front of me and kissed me softly, "I want to treat you." He kissed me again and I looked at the tray. On the plate were two slices of toast but no ordinary slices, he'd cut them into love hearts. I looked at Toby with a grin on my face;

"I didn't know you were so romantic!"

"I love you." He told me and kissed me, "I love you too."

As I picked up the toast, I took a bite and said genty; "Do you think we should tell my father tonight?"

"Over dinner? That would be nice." He answered as he sat back down next to me and took the other slice of toast. I noticed he did it but didn't say anything. Instead, I replied to his comment about dinner being nice.

"Well obviously I want my father, Maggie and Louis to be the first people we tell. Anyone else can wait."

"Unless they guess first." He put a hand on my small bump and I smiled. Although I was only twelve weeks, I displayed a tiny bump, almost like a gas bubble if I'm honest. After breakfast, Toby and I got ready for work and waited for the childminder to arrive.

We left the house not long after six and when I took the keys out of my pocket, I stuck my tongue out; "I'm driving!"

"That's not fair." He answered and I smirked. As he took out his bottom lip, I punched his arm playfully and told him that it was tough luck and we'll toss for it next time.

/

Work was quiet. Well, not busy, not empty. For once there seemed to be a relaxed atmosphere inside. As it was quiet, I decided to go and speak to my father. I skipped to my father's office, a string in my step and knocked on the door.

"Everything okay Lauren?"

I sat on the edge of the desk before I replied; "Of course, everything's fine. Toby and I, we'd like to invite you, Maggie and Louis for dinner tonight. Be there for seven if you can?"

"Any particular reason?" He asked and I shook my head. As I did, a strand of hair fell in front of my face and I tucked it behind my ear, "I just want us to eat as a family for a change. We haven't done that for ages."

I really wanted to tell him there that I was pregnant but I couldn't. I promised Toby we'd tell tonight. As I kissed his cheek and left, my father knew there was something I was keeping from him and he had a vague idea what.

/

As I left my father's office, I noticed Toby was watching me from across the way. I smiled as I walked up to him and whispered;

"You don't have to watch me you know. I'm fine, the babies are fine, you need to stop worrying."

He smiled softly, "I just want you to take it easy, I don't want anythig to happen to either of you."

I smiled softly. These were Toby's first children, no wonder he was so anxious, bless. I kissed him on the lips, not really caring who saw us and answered;

"I promise we're going to be okay."

I knew he was relieved to be reassured so I picked up a patient file, smiled sofly at Toby and began to walk off to deal with the patient in question. I was about to deal with the patient in question when a pain shot through my stomach.

It was painful but I brushed it off. It was most likely nothing to worry about so I wasn't about to panic myself. As I dealt with patient, I noticed the pain was becoming worse and I _did _worry. There was more of a chance of something going wrong in multiple pregnancies.

I excused myself from the patient and walked to the bathroom. When I got there, I made sure I wasn't bleeding and thankfully I wasn't bleeding but the pain was the worst pain I'd ever felt and I had a feeling something was wrong.

I leant against the sinks, rubbing my stomach when Zoe walked into the bathroom.

"Lauren?"

"I'm fine." I answered back as I took a deep breath and tried to move. I cried out in pain and doubled over before Zoe asked gently, "What is it?"

I grabbed her arm, "I'm pregnant, twelve weeks with twins. I have really bad pain in my stomach but I'm not bleeding. Please Zoe, you gotta help me. I don't want to lose these babies. If you dare tell anyone I'm pregnant, I'll kill you."

I smiled at her softly to prove I was joking about the killing part. As she nodded, I let go off her arm and she whispered that everything was going to be okay. I felt the tears in my eyes, knowing I'd jinxed it by planning too far ahead as per bloody usual.

* * *

**jottings** — only a short update, hope you like it enough to favourite/alert. if you do, please don't forget to leave a review;3


	28. CHAPTER XXVIII

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**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT**.

"Is everything okay?" I asked as I sat on the bed fiddling with my nails. I was so scared of something going wrong. I mean, with Sofia everything was fine but I knew twins had a higher chance of something going wrong.

"Relax everything's fine." Zoe smiled softly, "Just try and not get too stressed."

"Zoe, you know as well as I do, not one day goes by without this place being stressful. But yes Doc, I'll do my best."

Afterwards I asked Zoe if she could get Toby for me. She said she would and I was sat there on my own, still twiddling my thumbs. A short while later, Toby came into the cubicle and he hugged me tightly.

"Zoe told me, is everything okay?"

I smiled as I kissed him softly, "We're fine honestly. I just got a bit of pain that's all."

"You should be more careful." He said gently and I looked at him. Was he suggesting I wasn't being careful?

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He paused, "Don't you think you should take early maternity leave? I mean, so nothing happens?"

I bit my lower lip and grabbed his hand; "Toby, I know you're worried about me and the babies but don't be. If it's meant to be, we'll have these children. And if not, then we'll try again. But I promise you, we're going to be fine."

He laced his fingers through mine; "But how do you know?"

"My mum's looking out for us remember? I always told you I had a guardian angel."

He smiled, kissed me again and told me he was going to go back to work. I nodded. As he left me, I wondered about what he said. Would it hurt to ask about going on maternity leave early? I stood up and left the cubicle, heading towards Harry's office.

/

When I reached his office, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. I always hated seeing him. For some reason I got nervous, like a school child. Hearing him answer, I pushed open the door and smiled softly.

"Can I talk to you please?"

He nodded and I closed the door behind me, "Take a seat."

I sat down opposite his desk and smiled softly, "I was wondering would it be possible to take maternity leave starting from next week?"

He rose an eyebrow, "You're pregnant? Congratulations."

I smiled softly, "Thanks. I'm having twins and there's more of a chance of something — if anything going wrong. Toby's worried about losing the twins and it was his idea to ask you. I mean, if you don't think—"

"I understand your reasons for doing it Lauren, next week is fine."

I stood up and smiled; "Thank you."

He smiled softly before answering; "How do you think you're going to cope with three little ones?"

"Terribly." I answered back and laughed; "No. I don't know, it'll be hard but I've always wanted to have a big family."

There was nothing exchanged then and I left the office, pulling the door closed behind me. Now another person knew before my father, at this rate he'd be the last one to know as per usual. I went back to the ED and walked into the staff-room.

/

I took a glass of the draining board, rinsed it underneath the tap and filled it half-way with water. As I took a sip, I sat down on the sofa and placed the glass on the coffee table. This time next week, I wouldn't be working here anymore.

It was definitely a strange feeling I was feeling at this present moment.

Luckily, my shift went pretty quick and as I waited outside the ED for Toby, I knew we needed to move house, again. The flat would be too small to hold us all in it once the twins were born.

"Hey." A kiss on my cheek broke through my thoughts and I smiled gently, "Hi."

I held his hand as we walked, "I spoke to Harry, my maternity leave starts next week."

"That's good isn't it?"

"Mmm." I answered back and squeezed my hand tightly. We walked home in silence, my mind playing overtime, thinking about the possible scenarios of what could possibly go wrong in this pregnancy, you know, the things you don't want to think of.

When we got home, the childminder looked like she was going to have a breakdown. As Toby dealt with Sofia who at that moment was jumping off the walls (quite literally) I took Natalie into the other room and asked what the matter was.

"Oh Lauren, I've discovered I'm pregnant."

I pulled her into a hug, "You're not the only one I have too. I start maternity leave next Monday so from then I won't be needing your services, is that okay?"

She seemed relieved, happy even and I gave her the hundred pounds and looked around the kitchen. I had no idea what I was going to cook but I had a slight idea. Something special. I took off my coat and hung it on the back of the chair.

I took my cookbook out of the draw and flicked through the pages trying to find something to make.

/

"Toby come and set the table. Get Sofia to help you, count with her and stuff." I shouted as I looked at the lamb and spinach curry I'd made. I'd never made anything like that and I hoped that it was okay.

Toby and Sofia set the table for six places and Toby helped her count the places as they did. I was beginning to get nervous and it must have shown because Toby walked towards me and kissed me.

"Relax, it's all going to go to plan."

"How can you be so sure?" I answered back but before he had chance to answer the doorbell went. I thought I was going to throw up which seemed silly because it was only dinner. We'd had dinner plenty of times with my family but it felt different this time. It was different this time, we were going to tell them the big news.

Once we'd all finished eating, I decided to break the news; "Dad, Maggie, Louis?"

I looked at Toby and he squeezed my hand; "Toby and I, we're having a baby together, well two babies."

Louis splurted out his drink all over him; "What you and him?"

I shot him a look, "No, me and the bloody postman, what do you think?"

I looked at Charlie, hoping he'd be happy. I hoped he didn't think I was making a mistake because I wasn't. Toby, Sofia, the twins and I, we were the perfect little family set up. I noticed my father was getting a little teary and I answered;

"Are you happy for me?"

I stood up and walked towards him. He hugged me tightly and whispered, "Of course I am. Congratulations."

Once my father stopped hugging me, Maggie pulled me into a hug, "Congratulations."

Louis muttered congratulations but I wasn't stupid, I knew he couldn't care less whether I was pregnant or not. Sofia looked at me and Toby, pointed to herself and announced proudly; "I was the first to know."

"Well didn't you do a good job." Maggie said and smiled.

I looked at Toby and whispered; "I love you."

"I love you too." He answered back and I knew we were going to have a happy future together. Our lives together were perfect and I knew that as long as I had Toby and Sofia, my life would be wonderful. Our lives would be wonderful.

* * *

**jottings** — THE END. Do you know how much fun I've had writing this story? I love Lauren and Toby and Sofia but sadly, every great story has to come to an end. I know I said there would be a sequel but at the moment I'm not sure because I'm going to be really busy this year.

However, I will try my hardest to plan a sequel. I just want to shout out to the people who've continued to review; _Elly, HermioneLumos, MusicMeansEverything, abbey, meggi, tally. _And to anyone else who've reviewed/favourited/alerted. You guys are the reason I keep writing.

Thanks & I hope you enjoyed the last chapter :3


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